Real name is Colin, nice knowing u ppl...

2009-04-10T17:05:00.002+08:00

basically, my life is up to a full stop for the olden days. Nth much to update recently. Juz a good nice ending to the past with a nice quarrel with someone over a small issue. BUT BUT BUT... it will not affect my life to the worst a single bit. Why is it so? Becuz firstly, i dun have to live under a scenario where i am to be superly mindful of my free speech and expressions. I dun have to be unhappy and so on.

So now i am in the process of starting my life afresh. Right from start again or i should say, make a small change now.

I managed to see that there are still friends who cares and concerned about my life... if not i dunno where i will be or some other stuffs...

2009-03-10T01:06:00.003+08:00

Buddhism’s Ten Perfections and Nirvana

Giving. As a full jar overthrown pours out the liquid and keeps back nothing, even so shall your charity be without reserve - as a jar overturned.

Duty. As a yak-cow, when the hairs of her tail become entangled in anything, would rather suffer death than injury to her tail, even so should you keep to your duty - as the yak to her tail.

Renunciation . As a man in prison, suffering pain for long, knows that there is no pleasure for him but only to await release, so shall you look upon your existences on earth as in prisons, and turn your face toward renunciation and await release.

Insight. As the beggar-monk shuns no families from whom he begs, whether lowly or high or in between, and acquires his daily fare, so shall you at all times question the wise and gain insight.

Courage. As the lion, king of beasts, whether when lying down or standing up, lacks no courage, but is ever light-hearted, so also shall you in each of your individual-existences hold fast to your courage.

Patience. As the earth bears all that is cast upon it, both the pure and impure, and feels no resentment nor rejoicing, so also shall you receive favors and rebuffs alike with indifference.

Truth . As the star of healing is balanced in the heavens, and swerves not from its path in its time and its season, so shall you remain fixed on your path of truth.

Resolution . As the stone mountain, firmly based quails not before the tempest, but abides in its place, so shall you abide in your resolution once resolved.

Loving-kindness. As water quenches the thirst of the good and the bad alike, and cleanses them of dust and impurity, so also shall you treat your friend and your foe alike with loving-kindness.

Serenity. As indeed the earth looks with serenity on all the pure and impure that are cast upon it, even so shall you approach with serenity both joy and sorrow - if you are to attain wisdom.

Thus many are the things which in this world make wisdom perfect; beyond these there are no others.

When he gains perfect wisdom and becomes master of himself, it is the belief of the Buddhist that he has gained salvation and is ready to enter Nirvana.

Nirvana is probably one of the most difficult concepts to define in a way comprehensible to the Western mind. Some have defined Nirvana as the state of Not-being. This is both correct and incorrect. For Nirvana is a release from the cycle of reincarnation and the end of individual existence. Nirvana is also the blissful state in which all suffering ceases and the individual is joined with the World-Soul.

When one of Buddha's disciples was asked to define Nirvana, he thought for a while then asked:

"Is there such a thing as wind?"
"Of course there is," came the reply.
"What is its color, its shape, its thickness?"
"It has no color or shape or thickness."
"Can one touch it and can it be shown?"
"No, it cannot be touched and it cannot be shown."
"If it cannot be shown, how do you know it exists?"
"I am positive it exists, even if it cannot be seen."
"Nirvana is like that," the disciple replied. "It cannot be touched, or seen. But we are positive it exists."

To me, that is what i wish to attain in this practical world of sufferings to be exact. In the spiritual world, we are juz having a war against ourselves... from outer to inner self...

May i attain nirvana at the end of my lifespan where i will be like buddha who had see thru his whole life and able to uphold justice around us with loving kindness...

Amitabha, sadhu sadhu sadhu...

credits to http://www.analects-ink.com/mission/10_Perfections_Buddhism.html

2009-01-17T12:50:00.002+08:00

In a few days time, it will be cny. i realli feel the intense feeling over the days mths and yrs. for the past 1yr, quite tough but i realli find that, it is time that i let go all the troubled feelings. Start all a fresh.

the one that i once loved, is loving someone, okay. happy for him, hope this person can do a good job by taking good care of him. At the least i know that he is happy. he have to take good care of himself also lo. In this case when he falls, who else is to take care of them?

When i see him in tubes, it reminds mi of the pain i had last time. I went for an operation at the age of 11. i was in icu for 4 days before i was transferred to normal ward. All these are of bad past where stress level comes in.

Yrs after this, i got gastric ulcer. this exp is veri painful too. den 1yr later, admitted due to bleed in my gastric again. done blood transfussion and diagnosed to mild depression. took medicine for abt half a yr, and recovered. Over the yrs till now, i tried to keep myself happy but i am still a bit of anti-social.

Sometimes i juz dunno how to love myself.

2 songs i love most.

madonna - hey you. a friend recommend this to mi. he wants mi to listen to the lyrics. Yes it is very meaningful and is a must for mi to do it.

whitney houston - greatest love of all. This song is a song i once sang in kindergarden graduation night. when i was 6yr old. SO long yet i still remember. LOL>.... when i read thru the lyrics, it is a veri meaningful song especially for the childrens. There are parts of the lyrics that goes like this,

Chorus:
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

So i shall move on for a greater heights in 2009. Of cuz.. die die muz fulfill my hopes for bachelor of sci in psychology. either JCU or ECU....

2008-12-16T00:33:00.003+08:00

At this time of the night, most people are snoring their way to lala land, while i am still struggling a way out to sleep. Why? in my mind i have a few thoughts.

Juz now i went to visit my godma in hospital, who is my grandaunt in the past now my godma. SO at the same time i met my cousin. She was asking if i got a gf, den i told her, i dun have gf, waiting for u to intro mi. Den she say, mine are too old for u le lar....

Den i tell her, u muz be glad that i din find myself a bf. SHe say, dun make your mother sad leh. I was thinking, which is my true self? gay bi or straight

i am now plainly a confused guy out in the air, now a confused wondering if in future am i still a confused guy? my answer is a yes and a no. No as in i am not a confused guy but yes to i know so much but still i dunno which i belong to or wanna go.

Haiz... enough of such tragedy, think i had enough of it le lar.. hopefully 2009 is not as bad as 2008 although i got a veri strong feeling that things will re-enact once again in 2009.

Theme for this post: Are u the giving party or receiving party?

Recently i have received lots and lots of lectures, sermons or even dharma talks about this topic. So i had been the giving out party which result myself in getting hurt. Actually not really hurt or scars lar. juz on a positive pt of view, it is something i have to pick up as i walk along this path towards end of life pace.

End of life is where everything comes to an end, an ending that will embrace all memories into your head.

Like a very recently notice of some guy who juz passed away. When i went thru further, it happens that i had browse thru his facebook or friendster few mths back. As i went thru further, he seems to leave a very good impression as a benchmark in everybody that he knows or get in contact and now. He is gone, but i think he had left behind a fruitful memries to all his friends.

I may feel sad for his parents, his life in this world to be so short, but i won't feel sad for his memories left behind. I wish to be like him, who is someone who leaves behind a glamourous picture for his friends. May u guys carry on his life in this world with all the memories, so that his pureland will be built for u guys alternatively with good blessings for them.

Mr Dwayne, i may not know u directly but i do know that u are one of RP students same back as mi. I saw u a few times i did browse thru your friendster. Though life is short but i do hope that there is one wish i hope to fulfill in this life. That is to create a paradise of bliss in this life so that i can be happy with the people i know i want to be with and friends that i know from monastries, temple or churches. Good pals that guided me along the way. I dun wish to lose them in any form. To u, i wish to know u in paradise. Land of bliss, i'm sure u already found your way there. 49 days, bear with it. It will be over soon. I will meet u there some day... Dharma buddies lifetime after lifetime, can it be done?

2008-12-14T15:27:00.002+08:00

So long that i last blogged. Anyway, this time to cut it short, everything was fine over the days and weeks. Everything is in track so far, hope to maintain it this way and pls no more waves that will destroy or struck my life with a heavy blow. PLS realli have to kneel down in robes and chant hard to make things go smoothly.

To share with u guys on one theology, in order to bring a msg to your dearest ppl's heart, u guys can go to the seaside to do this test. When u hear the sound of the waves, focus on it, mind think of who u hate or love. den you shout it out. Eventually or miraculously that this msg will den be transported or flow into their minds, hearts and souls.

How true is true, u guys go try out and tell mi bah....

So work life, personal life, relationship or companionship time is getting better. I dun feel so depressive as before, cuz after a week of hard work, time to relax is to see ppl whom u are happy to meet up with. So i am happy to meet up with them, i feel so relaxed instead of feeling so stressed or lonely. If i am able accept them, they shld be able to do it the same way. OKay fair enough for them to correct the bad side of mi. I am veri open and accepted it with an open heart.

No more religious views, i genna bombarded... So no pt... juz stay with my love with metta and acceptance of all religion as it is. no pt changing their components to suits mi...

next 2 weeks will be x'mas and new yr, next mth will be CNY... sianz ah, 2008 is ending and 2009 is starting, i dun wanna see things happening once again....

2008-11-21T00:08:00.003+08:00

The bad thing in life is when some one so close and so dear to u suddenly left u alone. This time round is a scenario where my friend is the lead. i am juz a small little character that comes in action for her to lean on for the moment.

To love a person so deeply, when the other party say break off or leave mi alone can leave a veri big cut in the person's mind or heart. I thought i might cry together with her. Instead i stand strong by her, lend her the shoulder and she cry all her hearts out. Yah, at the least i have to portrait myself to be strong for a friend. She says that she is sorry to trouble me. But i told her, as a friend, there is nothing to be sorry.

To those out there who are my friends, especially those treated mi as friends in return or something further listen up. There is no need to say sorry or thank you. U will only need to say sorry if u had misused my kindness to u. after so many times of me approaching u, at least there is once where u realli treat mi for who i am. I am more than appreciate to say thank u to u guys instead. Cuz of my defects i nv expect people in return treating mi as friends. I always have a lower self esteem than anyone else out there.

This time, i will stand up high, and say that i am not the old COLIN for once.

Recently i gt a nick to myself, looking backwards to age 21 or looking forward to 25? Cuz the best settling down period is at the age of 28, for now to 25 is the best enjoyment period. There is a need to control but is not a compulsory requirement to do it.

People say, to love someone else u nid to love yourself first. I wanna say the following to those who reads my blog. " To love yourself in my case is to love someone else." Cuz in this case, it is my character, always caring for others where i will neglect my own welfare.

There is nothing as compared to loving the people around me for who they are.

THEY ARE BORNED TO BE IN THIS WAY BUT THEY THEMSELVES CAN BE IMPROVED OR ENHANCED OVER TIME BUT NOT TO BE CHANGED TO ANOTHER PERSON.

oh ya, forgotten something, recently i found out a new way to let the other party knows that u still love them deeply. The solution is to go to the seaside and shout out the person that u love deeply. BUT dunno how, it will eventually flow to the person's heart and things may change overtime.... note, it is one of the ways where guan yin had practiced during his days of becoming a bodhisattva.

2008-11-07T23:21:00.004+08:00

I find myself so bad in christianity contexts, perhaps get back to some stuffs for the originality of it.

I had interpret wrongly abt the verse, so i shall now use some knowledge that i had learnt in the past and it is something that is so open minded that no one can say right or wrong. Cuz buddha din mentioned anything abt bringing flexibility to your life.

LOVE

The definition of love in Buddhism is: wanting others to be happy.
This love is unconditional and it requires a lot of courage and acceptance (including self-acceptance).
The "near enemy" of love, or a quality which appears similar, but is more an opposite is: conditional love (selfish love, see also the page on attachment).
The opposite is wanting others to be unhappy: anger, hatred.
A result which one needs to avoid is: attachment.

This definition means that 'love' in Buddhism refers to something quite different from the ordinary term of love which is usually about attachment, more or less successful relationships and sex; all of which are rarely without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to de-tachment and the unselfish interest in others' welfare.

'Even offering three hundred bowls of food three times a day does not match the spiritual merit gained in one moment of love.'
Nagarjuna

"If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue"
His Holiness the Dalai Lama from 'The little book of Buddhism'

COMPASSION

The definition is: wanting others to be free from suffering.
This compassion happens when one feels sorry with someone, and one feels an urge to help.
The near enemy is pity, which keeps other at a distance, and does not urge one to help.
The opposite is wanting others to suffer, or cruelty.
A result which one needs to avoid is sentimentality.
Compassion thus refers to an unselfish, de-tached emotion which gives one a sense of urgency in wanting to help others. From a Buddhist perspective, helping others to reduce their physical or mental suffering is very good, but the ultimate goal is to extinguish all suffering by stopping the process of rebirth and the suffering that automatically comes with living (enlightenment).

The attitude of a so-called Bodhisattva is Bodhicitta: this is the ultimate compassionate motivation: the wish to liberate all sentient beings from the sufferings of cyclic existence and to become a fully enlightened Buddha oneself in order to act as the perfect guide for them.

(See also the page on compassion.)
^Top of Page

so briefly tell u why i am using this? Cuz i wanna have love and compassion for all. This is equal to all with a slight difference on how much they nid. I wonder why am i so obsessed with love nowadays, is it realli so desperate for mi to have love? I already have some practice in loving kindness(metta) le yet i am not satisfied? I think i am some kinda person who is beyond hope. No hope for mi liao le lo... Simple things yet i make it feel so complicated. But simplicity is a virtue, wondering why i always make things so complicated.

Oh Lord Buddha, please enlighten mi!!! Can someone juz give mi the enlightened opening address to this? I think i roughly know how to go about for this but den i nid to be strong, who can give mi this faith of being strong? Pek chek ah...

2008-11-03T01:15:00.002+08:00

Origin of my name COLIN from the bible,

NKJV 1 corinthians 15:50-58

Our Final Victory

50 Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. 51 Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed— 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54 So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”^[g]
55 “ O Death, where is your sting?^[h]
O Hades, where is your victory?”^[i]

56 The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

2008-11-02T22:40:00.004+08:00

NKJV Ruth 1:16-17

16 But Ruth said:

“ Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.

17 Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”

Theme of the post - Crazy over you.

Why would i use this verse for my post? Cuz this is something inspired by my friend, saying that he loves his stead a lot, and is related to this quote.

I would like to break into parts for this verse. mainly

friends

family

lovers

brothers and sisters

special someone

and a few more than u can think of.

I would apply this to family, bro n sis, lovers and special someone.

We must bear in mind for those with a complete family and also those who are broken yet with a near complete family. u guys must treasure your family members well. Yes they will nag at us most of the time, but that is how they show us their love to us u see. For example, why mothers nags and cares more for their child than most fathers did for them? reason very simple. Because they know how u feel more than the fathers did.

We were once in their womb for around 10mths, these 10 mths, they suffered in pain and blood just to carry us and gave us the life to this world. There is a song saying, no matter what they say, words dun bring us down, we are who we are and that is how we look. We can further enhance the packing w/ content improved in too. But it is not an easy task i tell u. Enough of it, shall go to the next one.

bro and sis

Be in religious bro/sis, blood bonded bro/sis, named god bro/sis, they are still your closest ones. Sometimes when u had done something wrong, you would not dare to approach your parents first especially u can predict that they will scold u or give you some beatings.

Sometimes can be very close bonding between them that what had actually happened to anyone of them, they will step out to help them, no matter how poor, difficult, harsh or even how easy that can be. They will step out o help you cuz they simple love you. So when one separates from the other, there will always be sadness, grievance and also anger. Saying so much why did u leave me, do u know how important you are in my life and so on? These kinda images, not only can be found on tv screens but also real life events.

Lastly will be lovers and special someone.

Basically these two does not differ much, cuz they are simply under the same category, difference is that, one is of true feelings with commitments yet another is of feelings but not committed to it.

Lovers basically depends on each other, for their love care and concern, for "fun" and laughter of both kinds, joy and also the times where they can do things out in the public with their friends and family.

Special someone is like someone who is close yet dun dare to commit yet they love each other. Sounds contradicting rite? Actually, was not that bad. Still get to see the person u like but unable to commit to each other nia.

Back to my theme, crazy over you....

Yes everytime i look into your eyes, there is always a feeling that i can bear to depart with u, hoping that i can hug u tightly and say i love u. Sounds sweet right, but i doubt it will happen. cuz that person is attached le. So what can i do? Treat that person under one of the categories as mentioned above? yes i am doing it over the years. But it does gives mi happiness and sadness lo.

Okay lar, continue another day cuz i nid to sleep and work tmr...

To be continued? We shall see...

2008-10-30T12:22:00.001+08:00

What am i doing here where i am suppose to be working? HAHA, that was in the afternoon, now is at night, 9.05pm. Slacking at home and reflecting on bits of my life. Sooner or later i am going to be crazy over certain issues that had been affecting mi for yrs.

In search of a partner - that is the key point.

what is a partner or companion?

part⋅ner

[pahrt-ner] Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	a person who shares or is associated with another in some action or endeavor; sharer; associate.

Law.

a.	a person associated with another or others as a principal or a contributor of capital in a business or a joint venture, usually sharing its risks and profits.

b.	special partner.

3.	silent partner.

4.	a husband or a wife; spouse.

5.	either of two people who dance together: my favorite partner in the waltz.

6.	a player on the same side or team as another: My tennis partner was an excellent player.

7.	partners, Nautical. a framework of timber round a hole in a ship's deck, to support a mast, capstan, pump, etc.

–verb (used with object)

8.	to associate as a partner or partners with.

9.	to serve as the partner of.

Origin:
1250–1300; ME partener, alter. of parcener by assoc. with part

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

WordNet - Cite This Source - Share This

companion
noun
1.	a friend who is frequently in the company of another; "drinking companions"; "comrades in arms"
2.	a traveler who accompanies you
3.	one paid to accompany or assist or live with another
verb
1.	be a companion to somebody [syn: company]

CITE THIS SOURCE|PRINT

*credits to Dictionary.com for the above meanings as well as hyperlinks to other sites.

Certain things is good to have someone around to be with, sometimes, is also good for mi to go thru things myself. Think should try to do something, and that is to let go. No point holding on for the sake of holding but i am too stubborn to let go. So how neh? A challenge for mi to find out.

But nevertheless, that person shall have my blessings for him, hope that he knows that no matter what other people say or other people do, i will not let go of him in my life. This include on how bad he can be.

So in exchange, now still trying to make my mind up to the standard where things goes well without much troubles. Thought this is pain, but still gotta take it once again, cuz i am getting more attached to him whenever i see him. Hopefully love can transform some feelings to something good.

Inspiration

2008-10-26T00:45:00.003+08:00

The theme of the day, INSPIRATION.

Went to watch the high school musical 3 with L juz now. There are still broken pieces here and there but nevertheless i still have to improve and stand up on my feet to face the fact.

Enough of grandmother stories. IF i still go on with grandmother stories, my ratings will drop tremendously.

Inspiration, what it means to u guys out there? To me it means someone u know or some groups of people or even an object that gives u the motivations or meaning to move on. So it is like an element to your pillar of life. In order to make it more fruitful. Inspirations can serve as smaller bits to your life deco. w/o these deco, it still moves on, but not as nice as others.

For me, i am more of a person who is being inspired rather than inspiring others. So where do i get inspirations from? characters that existed about 2000yrs ago like, buddha, jesus, though they are two different characters but still holding one heart, that is to save beings who are sufferings or to love them of who they are. In this way, as far as i can go, will try to treat all of them according to their needs, their looks, genders, orientation and so on. That is the thing i will be starting off in. YES, i may be stupid but that is the way.

People i know that inspired me. For example my parents. They are old but they actually went thru a lot in loving each other. Sometimes i ask myself, how come people out there can love each other so much, so skillful in love yet mi? So noob in it. Wonder why, but nevertheless i am still inspired by them.

There are lots and lots of inspiration in life, never ending journey. So the qn shall now end with who and what inspired you most? An object or someone, your pet or your family members. Ask ourselves such qn.

I shall end with this song, not trying to be christian, juz that this song is real

No matter how hard the words in this world, there is still someone out there looking up to u and say, u can make it if u have tried.

2008-10-22T10:58:00.002+08:00

Some suggested that i write in themes of what i am thinking about.
So i might as well give it a try but i dunno what to start with.

Running in circles is like running a thing on a belted link. Everytime u run, it goes in circles or depends on the shape. After sometime of running, u still go back to the same point. i also feels that it is rather bored in a sense to others but to me, i juz feel so depressive about it.

So perhaps circles can form a motion or force down with a depression on the surface. As in something like a drilling effect. It is like, very painful. But nvm. The counsellor says, why not you let go, draw line with it. STOP the effect.

Currently i am suppose to work but why am i blogging off and on? becuz i am in office, clearing some stuffs. Figuring which can stay which cannot stay. Den have to research this and that. feels lilke a store keeper but is a good cultivation plus learning process. More themes to come, stay tuned. though not organised.

2008-10-18T00:26:00.002+08:00

Feeling tired out of sudden recently, am i stressing myself out again or am i fantasizing once again. Perhaps too much of imaginary things is giving mi place without much breathing to go with.

Time to put a stop to that le. Cuz veri tired, nid a time to rest.

Okay, enuff of old grandmother story. Perhaps share some news with u guys,

I had juz finished my product training in fuji xerox where my machine is solely on nuvera. It is a printer system used in fuji xerox currently. i wun list any other things on here, due to competitors issues. I will be out for OJT on this coming monday and will receive my vehicle soon too.

meaning that i can enjoy the luxury of travelling on my own without squeezing around in the public transport.

people in my grp keep on boasting this thing. saying that i will become the right hand man of my specialist in future. giving mi stress man, but nvm.... it is a challenge. challenge to my veri best.

So i think i shall end here. No old grandmother story for the moment till after my coming birthday on 28th october. cuz i wish to keep it to myself and reflect on certain issues before i broadcast it here. If not it will be like watching a soap opera, nothing nice to see de. den there goes the TV. *switch off and go do other things*

quote of the there:

everyone is beautiful in nature, dun be brought down by other people out there who are more attractive than u. But u got your own natural beauty, bring that out as well as do some patching for your outside. it will make u look more better.

2008-10-01T23:34:00.002+08:00

Today went out with winson, a new friend of mine and as well as him. Initially i am meeting him, later winson sms-ed mi so i asked him whether to let winson to come along, so L said okay. So we meet at ps den later we went around from PS to heeren. Den to cineleisure for dinner. It was quite and enjoyable day juz to go out with the two of them. Even though it is not something fanciful. to L, u are always the brother that i love. maybe i am borned to be the only child with no brothers to take care of. i took u into my care cuz i feel so close to u. It juz feels so like a family member to mi.

I might sound so drama but actually that is what i meant over this period. that is how i treat him all along, but i wonder why i am doing childish things but... i juz hope to stay in this state for now and forever. in this relationship, that's it. i will not change it till i made improvements to my life.

2008-09-30T01:05:00.003+08:00

i still love u, no matter how bad you treat mi. U told mi that i will naturally present my attractive side if i change with WHAT I REALLY WANT NOW. I always have this thinking, a wish i always wanna fulfill. and that is in this life, no matter how many of them come in and out of my life, u will still be the one and only, first and last man to survive in my world before i actually move out of that planet.

I know i may be naive to say that, but hopefully this perseverance in me can help me think.

Recently i found my new hobby and that is to go slightly in to car racing. Hopefully this can take up to 20% of my time and create a certain awareness or interests in it. so that i can forget certain things in mi. faith wise had given a plus pt cuz certain teachings co-relates each other, so no issue for mi to go fight against that.

To think about my strengths and weaknesses has always in the way.

30 september 2008, 1122hrs weather is relatively fair.

Was thinking over what had happened last night.
Yes, the scoldings all is right, neither will i admit defeat nor will admit victory cuz i din win anything that i can be proud of.

The thing(s) i wanted in the past has lots of road blocks till i am scared it made mi so inferior to move on. YES, i dun know what i want. I may lose a lot of friends or can cause me to be so anti-social in near future.

That biggest qn in mind is how to bring out the natural attractiveness in me out to people i face everyday. All the factors that i can think of are, manners, actions, words, voice, body language and lastly eye contact. I have to curb the biggest problems now, manners and words. These are the most problematic ones. How shld i go about, i wun say in details. But i am juz sharing parts of it.

2008-09-29T00:11:00.003+08:00

What's the point in crying?
When all you get is tears
What's the use of trying?
When all that's left are fears

Where's the hope in wishing?
When your cries they do not hear
Where's the joy in drinking?
When all you have is beer

What's the goal in loving?
When all love brings is hate

Where's the thrill of living?
When everything's up to fate

What's the point of hanging on?
When she hears, but does not speak
There's nothing left, her heart is gone
The future looks so bleak

What's the use of playing?
When all you do is lose
This is all I'm saying
I hope you get the clues

081203

Credits go to Eugene Teo, PLAD camp mate

I got this from his facebook and somehow it hits my mind once again, anyway, watched F1 just now... got some edited video and will try to upload by tmr. did went to motorshow with keong and also when we are abt to leave, we heard the sounds of the engine, so we stayed and watched the show slightly.

The sounds of the cars are deafening but it somehow blast away my bad emotions for a while. which is good.

2008-09-27T15:28:00.004+08:00

Superly boring on a saturday's afternoon. sometimes is good to make extra plans just in case one cannot work after another. now still thinking what can make mi feels more energetic lo. More like a life that suits my category now.

Conclusion for now. Without that person in my life that makes mi feels more powerful, i still have to move on. I have to be strong to take up more challenges in life, if not i will like a tortoise that stays far behind, but if i am like the rabbit, run so far, yet nv carry on going will soon lose behind a tortoise who constantly moving on in life.

moral of the story for tortoise and rabbit. contantly move on and nv give up. once u slacken down, u will lose behind the slowest guy who is juz about 1 to 2km behind or 100 to 200m ahead of u.

so end of story? nope, juz the starting. hopefully got a better one in the next entry.

2008-09-24T22:45:00.003+08:00

this is a song that i would listen and then later regret myself for not treasuring something. i am sure that some people will ask the same qn when they had lost someone important to them. I am still thinking of somethings in life. In life, nothing is ever perfect.

I hope that this shadow will remain as a shadow for now. i dun wanna bring him into the picture, he makes mi feels more painful. The way he treats mi feels so painful lo... i may say that i had enough but i still wants him more as what? This one i am still asking and getting the hell out of it...

2008-09-14T21:13:00.003+08:00

Yes, another week had juz passed quietly. In juz one day, i had spent over 500 dollars yesterday. But all on bills and of cuz money to my parents. Makan and entertainment juz for common saturday afternoon till night.

Been emoing again but it is unavoidable when my sense of jealous, sense of envy, sense of loneliness comes in action. It is like greed hatred and delusions which comes in a group and attacks when u are least aware of their presence.

Certain things i still unable to let go or forget. No matter what i will try my best to forget, prayers, blessings and chantings will still carry on as per normal for mi and hoping that each day would have pleasant surprises for my relationships.. i am looking forward for the pleasant ones. I have no choice but to leave the old sets of thoughts and further enhance them. No pt staying here where people are moving towards 3.5 where i am still at 2? Hoping that certain things i want will happen.

2008-09-05T23:52:00.004+08:00

So far work had narrowed down my crave for certain things, i juz hope that i can learn more things so that i got all my time and equip myself with these skills as well as communications purposes. In front of certain friends, i feel so normal but in front of another group of friends i seems to disgracing myself and indeed i had been disgracing a lot of myself in front of certain groups of friends. But when come to meeting up with a new friend of mine last friday, i feels so perfectly normal to them.

Yah, actually i had finally made a first step out by keeping myself quiet to observe and also to listen what other people wanna say instead of always trying to put in extra advice or looking for a chance to express my concerns or views to them where they dun even want to appreciate you in the first place or wanna listen to my craps. Yes indeed such people existed, but why am i always going against ways where i should spend more time for people who cherish and concerned abt me?

Being too religious is not suppose to my MY WAY of doing things but actually that is a a thing i always look or focus into but too bad lar. I am juz too traditional minded at times. The flexibility sometimes giving me headaches lar. But nvm, as long as i am happy and people are happy with mi can le. I dun wish to cause unhappiness to people cuz if i want to be happy, people must be happy too. They happy i happy. Oh God, what am i talking abt sia... Lolz muz be talking to the wall bah.

Anyway, tmr will be my second time going to New Creation Church, the approach is rather different, i juz love the culture but so sad to say that i got my own faith, but that does not mean i dun believe or welcome their mindsets k. Please diversity of all faith, religions and belief is my kinda practice, what comes to mi will be accepted in open arms.

2008-08-31T21:25:00.002+08:00

What i had done is already done, there is no way i can clear my sins, according to the law of karma, even if i go churches, i will only feel the power of love spiritually but not in reality. YES i always disgust people but why people dun understand why am i doing it? I should not be too dependent over people. No pt depending on people where they dun want me to depend on them. No pt going after someone who had changed.

No point being too self centered thinking that i am always right where others had changed for the better.

What has done already done. Think now is just to let the things stable down first and i try to see to new things to make it turnover bah. Hope new and better things can offset the wrong ones. I really feel stupid to behave this way. No nid to give me the sympathy cuz i dun deserve it. Since the day the first deck of cards were drawn, things had changed. No pt going back to change the facts in the past. I should have moved on.

Juz hope to be dead for now. I dun wanna live anymore le...

2008-08-31T01:22:00.001+08:00

For once and last for all... End of episode of sadness and crazy over somebody le. This time is for sure than i am gonna end it all. For work, play, love, friends, family. No more being a kid le. It is really time to go back to reality.

A kid at heart but not a kid in reality, So does this sounds more logical?

Care for yourself then followed by others. People always care for others till they forgotten about themselves. Sorry, they are excuses but are partial reasons.

Next will be outgoing to friends who are interested to know u instead of being too desperate about knowing them. U are not in sales line, what for knowing so many people where there is not a need to. Sociable is good but it will be bad if over the cut-off point.

No more going according to individual contexts cuz it can realli pissed people off. Set to the highest perfection where 9 out of 10 new people u know recently accepts u.

Work towards your target, not for anyone else except for your loved ones. parents or friends, brothers.

Dun go too deep into love where there isn't any love around at all. no pt going into it where the materials to light this fire of love is not around.

No more the noisy or bitchy Colin, being quiet is good, cuz less mistakes will be committed. Take initiative to change for the better as an example for others to follow. Show them that i am changing. for the coming 3 mths, my target is to be mindful of my actions and words. hope this can be a good start. start from small and work my way up.

This die die must help me for work, If not i will lose my rice bowl for sure.

Thanks for this scolding session by someone i feels that is impt and is all "bullshit".

Cuz is all the shit if a bull, found by people, scolded the bull and the bull have to clear of its own bullshit. Sounds pity but is the fact man. Face it lar Colin, know how to say people, no one say mi. now got people say me le, still act. Think can forget abt acting and get back to reality lar.

2008-08-22T21:40:00.001+08:00

I had started work since monday, 18 august 2008. Currently i am on an all rounder training for my passion and interest. Though this job starting pay isn't that high, at least is something i am quite interested in as well as for the passion for customer service.

I am currently having my training at pandan crest. another office for fuji xerox in that area. So my trainer is very friendly and easy going but has a limit to everything, therefore should not go overboard. So hoping that tests and training can go smoothly and looking forward towards my field effective date.

With a job now and early some money which i can save up to around 5 to 7k a yr, think should not be a problem unless i spend a lot for the next few mths lo.

As for love now, i also dunno how to put it in words. Cuz i had enough of all those imaginations le. Every time i think of him, i will ask myself this qn. Why am i still thinking of loving him as a stead when he is not ready or not going for such at the moment. Really hurts a lot when comes to thinking of this. But if i look at the other picture, i will be mentally/spiritually lonely or even feeling left out of crowds also. I really want to find a way out.

Going back to fo guang will be the best but it will not cure everything. But i hope to have a life plans with real life targets. i cannot forever always depending on others. i dun wanna be so lonely.

Who ever cares abt my feelings or loneliness in this life? Work can cover everything for now, but after work? Who is there to accompany me?

2008-08-14T02:20:00.001+08:00

Yes i finally got a job for now, is to work with fuji xerox as a customer service engineer. So for now, i think it can feed my taste for 2 or more things.

Passion for customer service
engineering, aside from wireless comms but digital systems knowledge.
the working hours is quite flexible. I might get the chance to go for a 10mth part-time diploma at APMI.

Now watching HK series call, on the 1st beat. This was filmed in 2007 but recently was broadcast on cable TV ch 55. I was too enthu abt this now and cantonese version would be better so i watched it online. Hope that this does not affect its ratings or copyrights law.

This series has quite some meaning in it. Is similar to our NS40 theme, honor and passion. The drama consist of the elements. Leadership/coordination, love/passion/care and concern, family ties and all personal grudges.

For now i am having a personal war in me. A war between love/hate, passion/ care and concern, time/effort, communications.

A broken heart can be healed but cracks need time for people to forget. Sometimes i have to sit down and think logically, there things that goes my way or against my way. Research is going on the way now and i am building up a career i had always thought of in the past. From drama series as well as personal interests. Now i am trying out as an engineer or technician in this company hope it fulfill my crave as well as passion for it.

Passion for love, this thing dun come so easily as well. BUT once it arrived at your doorsteps, please accept with honour and pride. IT is something that u dun see often but it will cause a lifetime regret if u dun treasure it or use it correctly. So i shall try to love myself first for now, cuz it has been a long time since i last loved myself le. I shall find my way back into love first den decide what to do.

Passion for love, care and concern as well as for work.

Work for the very best is for myself only but for others that cared for me.

Put others people at first but put ourselves in front of ourselves before others. Cuz u worth more impt than others.

Communications among all must sufficient and clear but knows where the limit and ends for that. What had been said is hard to recover, but if each individuals understand the meaning, No grudges will be obvious between them. Time to think back on certain things. That's all for now. Move on and stay alert.

Army quote: Be vigilant as well as be tactical too.

2008-08-12T01:40:00.001+08:00

Shine my way home.

Why i use this as a heading? cuz it means that buddha's life is shinning my way back to where i suppose to be.

Me and him is over for now, but i dun lose him in anyway, i should be happy for that. Now i am still waiting for employment calls.

Hopefully it comes asap, if not i will bored to death liaoz.

Okay, for now i want to try out something again. The test for ownership. Things that belongs to me, i will try to let it go find its way out of my sight, if is mine, will come back to mi. I will try that out once more. If is mine, will be mine. If not forget about it le. I feels veri tired of waiting for non-consistent returns le. No point. People love others and get loved by others in return, but me, ended up in suffering. I dun wanna try again on the same person. Perhaps they dun wish to be loved this way. Den i shall use the old way instead.

Tmr i going to hitachi for interview le. wish mi luck.

2008-08-10T12:06:00.002+08:00

The date and time now is 10/08/2008 1207 hrs. How should i go about for my blog since it was national day yesterday?

Was actually thinking of going to meet L first, but ended up he was back in camp gym-ing away. So ended up alone again yesterday.

So asked De to see if he is free to go out, he say he will be free after his lessons. So okay lo. meet hi at city hall after that. Den city hall was so packed, i am wondering why people choose the place to see the fireworks where the location wasn't the best. haha. Den some lady asked mi where i want to go. But was wondering in my heart, where can i go from there? I know where i am going wat. need u to ask? but nvm, eventually i walked away.

Den saw part of the fireworks for NDP, ever since i watched one fireworks don't know how many donkey yrs back, think was 10 to 12yrs back, where one of the fireworks was the head of a little boy.

Den after that fireworks, i find my way over to the supreme court via penisular plaza area, got thru by the back. Den after that we went for a cup of tea. And my day juz ended like that.

and now still waiting for 'someone' to call mi out lo.

2008-08-06T00:18:00.001+08:00

This morning, when dawn was hit by sunlight and i was sleeping soundly in my dreams. There is this dream that hit me with something enriching yet enlightening. I was actually as usual, wandering around in dreams. Most of my dreams are just a recollections of what i had done. These feel days, think u guys had read mine, should finds that it is a life that is rather messy in a way that i am lost in la la land because of somebody. A person who is impt in my life since 2004, no further details of this, cuz u guys is reading like mad over this thing liao. Time to put up something new.

A dream of mine as mentioned, okay here is how it goes.

I am admitted to hospital and was lying on the bed in a hospital, probably SGH, cuz my case files are in that hospital. So i was lying on the bed, with needles and painkillers was being fed thru the needles on my hands. I was in pain, terrible pain, was like nid doctor or nurses to help mi ease the pain. This dream last for approximately 2 hours. Feels like i am in an operation theatre. BUT after waking up from this dream, i feels refreshing. Was is linked to something i had done recently?

One news that Fuji Xerox is inviting me to a 2nd interview on this coming friday at 2.30pm. Hopefully can be successful.

For my dream, i would like to know in real life, who is the doctor that help cure me de.

Can be juz one or can be a group of healthcare personnel. Hope know who are these grp of ppl in real life.

2008-08-05T13:40:00.003+08:00

Yesterday went to Paris International buffet with my korkor Bryan Chow. At first i should be going for 3 interviews, ended up i shrunk it to juz 1 for yesterday and 1 for today. Cuz i am just simply lazy to move around as i had been going for interview since 2 weeks before i ORD, like from 1st july till now, i have been going to almost 10 interviews le, all say still waiting for calls. So be it bah.

Was still emoing last night, thinking of him a lot still. Was telling korkor that, den he say, if u misses him, call him lar or sms him. Den i called, he nv pick up. So i guess, he is as usual bz and tired. So i sent him a sms while on the way back. When i reached home, i found that he is online, asked him if he is bz, he say yar. Den he din further replied to my msn msgs. When i was having my shower, my heart is filled with warmth and a slight streak of happiness.

"You will not be alone, juz that i am bz and tired." he said that. I felt so happy but will not put in too much of expectation, cuz it dun go anywhere. But at least it released mi from the sheer sense of paranoids over him.

I will still love the way he is no matter wat. Will juz give no matter wat, but in return, i dun ask for more. Asking for return is not like me, think now just focus on securing a job before securing his heart for some reasons.

When a guy protects a gal, the reason for him to give the gal is the sense of security. This is impt. One of the elements in this will be jobs, where returns is my salary. Hopefully this can catch his attn somehow.

As for job hunting, it is time to make a change, since i cannot go for sales engineer, why not go for sales support engineer. Since i love sales, yet not the front line but backend also good what.

Life will nv lose something afterall

2008-08-02T13:34:00.002+08:00

IN life for now, certain things changes, from title to title. WHich is more like, when u tried out and back off when things dun get right. WE dun feel much in loss but we will do feel the pain around. Becuz the title had changed back to something we are familiar with. He is unable to commit in anyways and unsuitable. In any case, we are really hanging in mid air. But we revert back to the past feelings, now i dun lose him in anyways but nvm lar, he got his reasons. Neh, wun force him when he wish to be freed. Maybe like what people used to say, "Colin, u are not suitable to be lovers, but u can be a friend to all." Since mi and him are not, den we kinda like the way it used to be, in any ways, i dun get to lose him wat.

I dun regret, cuz i tried. And that is something i always wanted to try. At least i tried, i know how it feels but is an unforgetable moment between me and him. Used to be in dreams, now in real life, though is not as what i expected at least tried. Did he?

2008-07-31T20:46:00.003+08:00

Now got about 3 things running in my mind. Tomorrow's interview with Horiba Instruments, thats 1. Thinking of L, that's 2. Thinking of how to communicate with my family, that's 3. I am in a very difficult position to make them all run 3 parallel paths.

Why must my family come into the picture of not understanding why am i doing for the sake of my work? Why can't they juz work in accordance to my dreams? Which can be done in reality. Why am i forcing myself to go along with the trend where i dun even have the urge to go according to the trend?

My mother asked me to go study, but does she knows that the time and money spend on study is so expensive? That i might as well go and gain experience, at the same time earn money, den 1 to 2yrs time, i can go study at my own ease.

I got this stupid mindset of mine, but maybe will discuss with him first den i will choose to publish here or not. It is still a matter of our privacy, think the more it goes around, the more the stories will create from there. Think for once, i shall create a life, a new one which can bring laughter to everyone.

The current one shall vanish slowly from everybody's impression of me from the past. Becuz of someone, for myself as well as others. Yes he is correct. For once can i be normal of what i am doing ma? Dun always say that i scared of this this that that. Juz open myself up. Remember Colin, I am not walking alone. No one will bear to see me in this depressed state. Nobody likes me to be depressed.

When people are depressed, looking down or lost of where they are standing, i will always try my best to make them stand up, advise them or what. BUt when i am depressed, people will try to make mi think, but i juz dun realli make use of my mind lo. I find myself so useless or stubborn. Perhaps stubborn in a sense that, what people say to me, i would not take advice but think i beginning to change from the hunting process. As in from there i try not to be so aggressive or frank with what they are employing or offering. Hopefully i will improvise myself till no one remember how come is like in the past.

I will start to take advice for a start that can be accomplised from my level of doing. So keep your tags coming into my box as i will see it at least once a day one hor...

2008-07-28T12:53:00.004+08:00

I hope that people understand that certain things i dun allow them to know is becuz of some personal privacy around us. Things are going well, those who are close to mi, i should have updated them thru msn.

For the rest to know, please wait till things stable down a lot first, den see if there is a need to publish out.

BUT now is that i feel so lost in my work. I still unable to get one. Why is it so? Am I too resistant or lack of knowledge in self presentation. Why must some employers still seek for others options or candidates before they choose me? I feel that myself is so useless. Suddenly out of no where, i feel so deprived by all these hunting of jobs. Went to almost 10 interviews le, wonder am i too fussy over jobs or the requirements i am not up to it. Or I am just too frank in the interview. I do need to tone down in the subsequent interviews. I am really tired of going to interviews le.

I really want to cry cry cry my hearts out for the moment. Every time i think of him, i feel like crying out. Why? Becuz i feels that i am weak. BUT still i have to stand up and look at the road ahead of me. Long way to walk.

I remember this song.
I AM LONG LONG AWAY FROM HOME, AND I MISS MY LOVER'S SOUL, WITH AN ACHING IN MY HEART, WHEN THE COLD WIND BLOWS.
Now my feelings is like that, a long long way from home and i misses my lover's soul. Once in a while with an aching in my heart becuz i feels lonely, empty from all the interviews i been to. I really hate it when the way of life play tricks on mi. Really gives me the pain and sores that comes out aftermath.

Soon i will be going for Fuji Xerox interview at 4.15pm today, 29th july 2008. Hope that this one gives me good news.

2008-07-26T03:50:00.002+08:00

My trip to showa denko was like a trip from central of singapore to east or west in the afternoon. set off from boon lay interchange and reached my destination at around 2.30pm. was like, half an hr lo.

Found out that actually, hard disk media, that piece of thing in our HDD was actually manufactured in a clean room environment. which was like, something new to me but the basic pay was okay to me leh. 1.7k. but nvm lar, hoping to get a sales engineering post.

Someone commented on my maturity level over my msn, saying that i am obsessed about Mr L. Actually, my social circle isn't that big. If i always mention about his name, nothing seems wrong to me cuz, he posess a big portion of my life. As in correcting my attitude in all aspects, my outlooks, quite a huge project in life. So more or less his name will come out. AND also, if i mention other names, do u know who is he? No rite? unless u guys are linked, den we will know if not why bother to mention their names?

So to Mr De, why his name always by my mouth is becuz he helped me a lot. Compared to others, yes others did their part too. But his motivation is higher than u guys, i am sorry to say that but still u guys out there are still someone to me. No worries, u guys will still be treated the same, no changes made at the moment. So the maturity levels is you think too high, or am i not moving my friend? Being humble is good, being proud is good, but overdoing of everything is no good. That's why people come out with this philosophy of love.

LUST VS LOYAL/LASTING
OPEN VS OBSESSIVE
VENGENCE VS FORGIVENESS
EVASSIVE VS EMPATHY

So our love for everyone falls in this range. So where do u belong?

Keep the comments running, i would love to hear from you guys...

2008-07-25T00:14:00.002+08:00

just now went for an interview with Trio-Tech international located somewhere in braddell. They manager is impressed with my performance but have to bear in mind that there are still people better than me. I still have to work doubly hard to get this place and start learning from there.

So after this interview, which took around an hour, i went to city hall to meet Mr J. So after that went to eat, walk around and chatted a bit while walking around. Den came to know that actually, i am a person who is damn damn damn... u know lar... sometimes can be a pest, sometimes can be a nice man. So which do u think? Of cuz everyone knows the answer.

I am so sorry for being like that. Maybe i execute before i actually spend some thought in what to do with it. I had times where i grab the opportunity too slow, in the end i will lose it. If i grab it too fast, i will like, dunno what to do. Starring at blank space and so on. So now i just sit and watch, till i am ready to pick up this challenge den i pick it up. No more putting in extra thoughts where there is not necessary for me to do it.

So in conclusion, praying hard to get into this company as a sales engineer. and also hope that jayson can get out of his sorrows soon, big bryan not hating him too much together with Mr D. Hope that i have a great weekend ahead.

2008-07-24T12:04:00.002+08:00

For one of the rare times in my 23yrs of living in this world, i've finally encountered someone of my challenge.

Brief description of what i had done.

Went for 2 job interviews, one at AMK, the other one at Macperson Road. So after the 1st interview, i went to meet small bryan, we had dinner at one of the restaurants along boat quay. There after, i walked around suntec area till around 2plus before i head for my next interview.

After the interview, i went to find big bryan for dinner. Den i encountered a new friend and he is like mi. Forever thinking too much, looking at all the recollections of what i had done, be it good or bad. I found out that, actually i am damn disgusted by my actions to my friends. People feels pissed about it and left me one after another. Recently, there times where i almost ruined a lot of things in my own hands. I feel so fed up and dun feel good about such things. So i got to learn how to treasure things that had given me over the yrs. Like strong relationship in friends, love, brothers, family. Nv let them down in anyways or disgust them in any ways. Becuz they will be sad to see me in such a state.

Today is thursday, 24072008, i will be going for another interview for the position of sales engineer. Hopefully i will be recruited to one of the companies.

2008-07-22T11:57:00.003+08:00

Today is day 2 of the week where i ORD since friday, and now getting ready to go somewhere for something and later will go for some job matching with yi wei aka the then ming quan. And for L, for the time being, we will have our worlds, of cuz is true i agree with it. Especially now, i have no job and u got your work, your gym, your daily routines, i dun think we got the time to meet so. Nvm i juz got to LL suck thumb lo. Who ask me dun play bball, who ask mi to be so lazy. Who ask mi to be over sensitive. Recently my sleep is filled with nightmare, perhaps is my sleeping posture. Din get the correct one, therefore a bit too painful in a sense.

To miss or not to miss, will not be shown anywhere, if he can feels it somehow, i will let him come to mi and not mi going to him now. Cuz no pt doing it... It will creates a sticky effect. So i dun think i will carry on with such a rushing effect. Perhaps i'll juz let both of us have time for some space to breathe. It has been hard on him and mi cuz i have look for a job to sustain my expenses and life. As for him, he need to cope with mi, family, friends and camp... which is 4 to 5 things in 1. So let time deal with him.

THe most minimal thing i request for is juz to hear his voice over the phone, share with him the good and bad things that occured in both of our lives. Exchange, find out some bits in life that looks good to us. So that is call love. Maybe is not realli what i am looking for but no harm trying out as long as not much hurt is formed in this process.

I hope that i can hear positive feedbacks.

2008-07-21T14:04:00.002+08:00

Yesterday went to watch the YES 933 concert at IMM, not bad wor... Veri eye opening lo... Watched the whole concert. Starting with Energy-->Milk-->Liu Li Yang-->Yoga-->Lin Yu Zhong-->JJ as the last singer.

The songs can really bring back memories. As in not just the groups alone but feels like i am 4 to 5yrs younger lo... Back to the school days. Wohooo!!! But those were the memories but cannot be replayed or re-enact.

Quote for me in the next few days, Move on with maturity, no pt staying at this pt and waiting for people to pick me up. No pt staying at the same pt waiting for ppl to pick mi up.

Army style, when u do things dun get caught. When u fall, stand up and nv fall back. When mistakes are made, no point finding who is at fault to punish them instead, go learn about how it actually started.

I've learnt about my mistakes but no one appreciates me even though i changed or improved. Yes maybe they are too realistic, which is 75/100 percent. Time to make some proper planning liao. No pt crying over spilled milk.

2008-07-20T13:08:00.001+08:00

13.我願 (中文)

作詞者/星雲大師作曲者/翁瑋璘演唱者/翁瑋璘

我願作一盞路燈照破黑暗指引光明
我願是一陣和風吹拂枯槁撫慰創傷
我願是一支畫筆彩繪人間增添美麗
※我願我身是寬廣的土地載負眾生離苦難
我願我心是悠悠的海洋普渡眾生到彼岸(※重覆)
(重覆)
我願生生世世皈依佛皈依法皈依僧

May I be in this state relevant to others, closest ones and friends. Hope this lyrics i can be someone of myself and not depending on others. Instead, i would still prefer someone to depend on mi for spiritual support. That is something i will not hesitate to give.

2008-07-20T01:37:00.008+08:00

Yes along waiting relationships that needs communication which ends with a breakdown. How i wish that this breakdown is fruitful and indeed is fruitful.

Thinking too much whatever it is, makes mi feels that thinking juz the right amt is enough. And yes, this had reminded mi in work as well. Juz wonder why in almost every part of life this diagram comes in... Venn diagram, and yes 'someone' is correct about this fact, venn diagram where everything comes in a mix and make it well balanced. Wonder why ever since i started trying to open myself out, ends up in such a manner. Either i got the wrong company or the correct company yet scaring them away or even no one dare to come near me. I feels damn bad inside lo. Makes mi feels like an alien, when i am of some value den come look for me. If not i am like a useless piece of shit. It makes mi feels that day but some do view mi this way.

i nid someone to give mi two tight slaps to make mi wake up. it is good to fantasize, who dun like to think about the ideal case for each oneself? When u reached a pt where u think until u go crazy for that thing, i feels that i am someone who has no backbone. Not realistic. Time to be realistic man, no pt being too... Arghz, forget it. Time will show everything again.

What is time? A mathematical definition or what?

Time is a component of a measuring system used to sequence events, to compare the durations of events and the intervals between them, and to quantify the motions of objects. Time has been a major subject of religion, philosophy, and science, but defining time in a non-controversial manner applicable to all fields of study has consistently eluded the greatest scholars.

an extract from wikipedia.

This an issue where overtime, i will overuse of such things. No life with extra time makes someone mad about some things.

Time to get a life for myself, to make myself useful lo. To keep me occupied clear off some old stuffs, bring in new life. Make a new start, just now how days passes by and making my life all comes in place. When going too fast, stop and observe. Too slow, gotta work doubly hard. Yes no pt being too idealistic than realistic.

Do things that is more realistic than idealistic.

Idealistic vs realistic.

Case 1: Things that u wanted to do in your dreams, actual fact u cannot reach this stage or is impossible to do it.
Solution: work doubly hard to attain your motive if not discard and construct new ones. When u got the time and chance u will be able to obtain it.

Case 2: Saying is better than doing it.
Solution: Work more, talk less. Ppl see u work and not to see u talk.

Talk cock sing song play mahjong, all at the same time to give a complete mix? i think so...

Juz finished shower and lots of things awaken mi. Some pts nid to be questioned.

Why is he so impt to mi? Why is he always the one making me wake up my ideas? Why must i fall back when he speaks? why and why?

Is it because i looked back on what i had done and eventually fallen back into this pothole again?
Lack of confidence or simply no backbone? Why i can be more stronger when i was holding my 11B as a NSF but now when got my back pink IC with NSmen status, i become so weak? Lack of the support of juz simply a backbone without a board support or wat?

Think is all in becuz of my mind. Why am i such a stubborn idiot? Fuck it Colin, move back to a place where u are suitable, groom and grow from there. Create a mix like the venn diagram. Everyone got their uniqueness and this uniqueness will nv change. It must be something good to others. And my unique part is not thinking too much, that is a bad pt or root that nids to taken off and nv to revert again. BUT one good thing is that i always make an extra mile to put in some extra effort to do things. Nv to complain of heavy workload but is a place/learning ground to strengthen my abilities as well as relationship. Communications, time, effort tells a lot rather than small parts of life that gives extra problems like breakups, quarrels. No pt right? I know how to say that now why i keep committing it over and over again? Sounds so like noT mi.

BUT i got a motive, a target to start off with. That is the best of me. I shall work towards it as i dun wanna lose it for the last time.

AND I MEAN THIS IS THE LAST TIME!!!!! IF I EVER DO IT AGAIN, THAT'S IT. END OF MY LIFE FOR LOVE.... SHALL BE AT MOST A BACHELOR UP TO THE AGE OF 35 DEN GOT A WIFE OR NO WIFE STILL... WE SHALL SEE, TIME WILL PROVE MY EFFORT.

TIME+EFFORT=RESULTS...

FINAL STAGE TO PERFORM. NO MORE CHANCE GIVEN BOI!!! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT COLIN, DECISION IS IN YOUR OWN HANDS.

2008-07-19T01:00:00.002+08:00

Today is a Friday, juz like any other days but is my ORD Date..... Got back my pink IC which was deposited in SAF since 2006, 21st July, Friday approximately 2pm. Location: Pulau Tekong. Got back from SAFAC Orderly Room. The feeling was nothing special. Seeing or not seeing makes no difference. Only diff is that, our allowance from SAF is already cut off le. So meaning i have work ASAP as i have no money left le... Feel like requesting a bit more from my mother to sustain my current allowance. Should have made investments earlier.

Still thinking of that special someone. Though his heart, his voice or even his words on msn is not far from mi. but i still misses him like how he wanna be with mi for juz over the weekends last time. He is one and only so far that i will listen to as far as possible. No one's comment can worth as much as him. Besides ppl in my religious life that can help mi quite a bit. or else i wun get anything useful de lo.

Is this what ppl call love? Loving him is like loving myself. only diff is that i dun save that kinda much money now. Which is driving me crazy le... no money to use liao lo... Hope can dio 4D at least can last me for some time...

2008-07-17T22:10:00.002+08:00

Finally pass my practical test for Class 3 license le... YEAH!!! although is a border line pass but will try to be a safety driver in future...

Been thinking a lot for the past few days. Recalled back what i been thru last time. I find that actually someone is waiting for mi someday, worried about mi, my well being as well as my love life. Tmr ORD lo... yeah!! waiting for it for a long time liao lo...

Got lots to blog but i think is good to keep it to myself rather than to outside...

2008-07-15T14:37:00.002+08:00

Thanks jeffrey for his precious comments. I indeed gained a bit of awakening thoughts from that. Cuz i got another solution. But is a bit too early to state somethings, cuz mi and him a stronger or closer than brothers. In fact long ago, i treated him like brothers, i mean blood brothers. We opened up further till a stage where people see it as "abnormal" but actually, it is still a stage of opening up as well as knowing each other. He is a guy, who can be a brother, bf to gals as well as... u know it yourself, and a family guy. SO no worries that i will wander too far off. As i always say, i wanna get married one hor!!!! at least a son or better one son one daughter k?

Den today went for interview with Quest-Technology, a company which offers industrial solutions. I make a personal presentation for about half and hour with the combination of Q&A from them. Is like some kinda 3rd meeting during RP days, really is a test to my knowledge in this line. But an eye opening to this job.

Hopefully can get in because it may be a good learning ground to be.

My guts feelings tell me that the more i misses or think about him, the more i will lose him. Cuz it really telling me that i will pissed him off... and make him hate me lo. I dun wish to do that to him actually. Yes i do love him as a what, he himself will know people around mi will see how it is also. I dun wanna make him hate me or not. All i know is that i love him till i now can go crazy because of him. From this limit, yes it shows that i am very particular of his well being, how he look at mi as well as what he do to mi. But i have to prevent or refrain myself from doing it again.

It hurts when he says he hates mi for something. I am feel damn hurt when he dun reply or talk to me becuz of certain thing. I feels damn frustrated, want to cry yet the tears have flowed deep down to my heart and down my cheeks. Heart is feeling damn pain and empty too.

2008-07-15T01:35:00.003+08:00

After talking to him, i found out that, my feelings for L has nv changed since. Actually, be both suffered a lot and cared a lot for each other. He mentioned that he is like a book left on the bookshelf, when i need him it, i will bring it down and use it, when not in the need of the book, i placed it back on the shelf. But i replied him, if i dun bother about u, what for i take u off the shelf and use it? Might as well leave it on the shelf and let u collect dust wat. But actually, i kinda miss his presence. His words worth slightly more than my other 5 brothers do. So bros, all your effort still mean something to me, but his worth slight more valuable than u guys, hope u all do mind. Realli sorry to be in this state, ZHEN SHI DUI BU QI NI MEN AH!!!!

I was thinking of asking him to move over with me, if i have extra room cuz he is the only son in the family with 2 younger sisters. Currently like me, no personal room, so feel like asking him to shift in with mi since my mother knows that i took him as a brother 4yrs back but din know that i actually cared so much for him. Yet i din know that he also cared for me.

That was sunday's talk.

Monday.

Went for 1 interview at Jalan Besar. Hope to get into this company cuz it is a concept of my ideal office as well as things related to my project. Hope to work in this industry. 2 more to go on tuesday and hope to get good news from them.

Den went out with jeffrey when i just stepped into my home, on my com and logged on the net. I dun intend to go out but since the night is still quite young just now, so went out from vivo all the way to west coast park macdonalds. So chatted a fair bit and set out for home at around 11.30pm. Still manage to catch the last bus so i save a bit on cab fare.

2008-07-13T17:18:00.002+08:00

Perhaps is my retribution bah... Cuz I GENNA PANG SEH BY "SOMEONE" AGAIN!!! supposed to go out with him or hang around his hse nia. End up he called me say he eating with his parents. Okay, family guy, shld do that, no objections. Den he say he too full, so suggested going to his hse. Den he say, oh my sisters at home, so cannot. Okay den nvm, thought of going for movie, den he say he leg pain. Okay fair enough, den he say he going for bball. Fair enough, suck thumb lo... Who ask me always do this things on him last time, now return plus interests somehow... how many percent interests? perhaps 5% to 50% interests rate cuz i owe him too much liao. So i jolly well know what to payback with as well as the limitations from mi to him also....

So now do what? Slack and stone in front of my com lo...

2008-07-13T12:28:00.003+08:00

My love will get you home - Christina Glass

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home,
Boy, my love will get you home.



For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
Ill be forever thankful baby
Youre the one who held me up
Never let me fall
Youre the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
Im grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I dont know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
Youve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
You were my eyes when I couldnt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldnt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
Im everything I am
Because you loved me

Im everything I am
Because you loved me

2008-07-13T00:30:00.002+08:00

1230am of 13072008, yes i am living 21st century. Definitely cuz is 2008. shld be in this century for 8yrs le... yet i am like... haiz, dun say le, shld forget it man...

Okay lar, saturday, passed relatively normal juz lack of some entertainment. Cuz suppose to go out with L, but he last min cropped up by his work at office, so go back to his office in camp and finish up the work, so mi went to bukit merah for lunch den go vivo for some changes in my cable tv plans. Even though i upsized my plans, but both digital boxes are hogged by my family. So there is no way i can use it. So i hogged my com instead, cuz no one is fighting it from me ma.

Hogged and chat and surfed. End up not much ppl is online... Haiz, den thought a lot as well as eaten a lot jus now. Thinking of what i wrote in my nick," 好看的一大班，知心/忠心有几位。。。？" so that is something i wrote since last night and this inspiration gave me since yesterday afternoon.

For those who can't read these characters of don't know chinese, this is the translation.

"Attractive ones comes in groups, but among these groups, how many of them are intimate and loyal to us?"

Really something reflective in my mind at the pt of time. Because plenty of pretty, cute, avg looking, good looking, handsome ones yet among them, how many of them will stop and say hi to me, chat with me, care for me? Guess is 1 in a 1,000,000.

And now, wanna find someone to talk, is there anyone for me to talk to. Shoulder for me to support and also a hand to hold on to when i am sinking into something bad. A hand to pull me out when i am in sorrows, this one is not to help mi financially, cuz i will try to solve all my work problems personally without much help from around me.

Hopefully that the next day when the sun rises will be a better day, as the number jumps every second, minute, hour, day, month and year, would be a better stage for me. Yes time to move on one step at a time everyday, just be mindful on what i had done and he firm on what i am doing. Seriously speaking, no one is there to spoon feed me le, except for love. I want to be showered with love as well as shower people with love too.

Brand new day with a start better than the day before. Brand new year will have a better performance of the previous year. Brand new generation will have a better living than their seniors or elders.

So look ahead and nv fall back but do look back on what u had done as not to commit the same mistake again.

2008-07-10T15:36:00.003+08:00

3 days since i last blogged. Actually, not that i dun wanna blog is that i veri lazy and dunno what to blog.

These 3 days, been online searching for jobs for the time being. Meanwhile, i found out that it may be good for me to work as sales engineer first for the time being. As time passes, by den i can juz decide to go on hardware or business instead.

So for the moment, i have 2 interviews tmr and 1 on monday. And sadly, i found out that in this world, nothing is lasting and true to my heart. And for some reason, that i see things clearly when i am above the age of 21. Yes, L, thx for advising me to move on the other day when i recall what we chatted the other time. I should not stay at this stage anymore but to carry on. To know what kinda love i give to everyone. Time and effort will tells the truth and the truth is within each others' heart. They will know what is it and what has been done will be done. No pt crying over spilled milk but not to let it happened again.

So whatever i do now, nv go back to the same mistake, but do look back for what u had already done. Not to redo those mistakes as well as learn how to tackle future upcoming mistakes too.

Hopefully that tomorrow's interview can be better. I dun wish to see things happening in such a manner that even in august, nothing works.

As to some ppl out there, dun you come mess around with mi... I dun take that kinda things okay... and i already had enough of such things liao. U know what is it, so dun come crying or pushing the blames to me. I had make things clearly liao.

The above statements applies to everybody in general. U guys know yourself well. Those who are cleared by nature, need not worries, u guys dun really exist in my list. Those who know themselves, if u keep mi in the dark, by all means carry on by not letting me know. I feels better with that. For those who already made known to me, i feels that, it is time to do something for not making myself fall deep. BUt thanks for your lessons given, i learned a lot form that.

2008-07-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

To Everything there is a season

There was a time when you loved, there came a time when you hated.

There was a time when you felt you wanted to kill, now is the time for you to heal.

There was a time you were broken down, now is the time to build yourself up.

There was a time when you were at war in your being, now is the time to restore peace within.

This is something i extracted from the posts on the verdict of CPL Dave Teo's Case. The judge recited this which i find that it is relevant to our lifestyles.

back to my life. i had a very fruitful interview with AME GM and also HR. Veri nice yet veri depressing. but nvm, take it as a form of experience and lessons learnt. Frm there i found out that, actually my path is to go with sales. As i got an engineering diploma, elective module was sales management. why not go into it right?

Personal life. Feeling better over Mr L... sorri, not that L on my page k.

This L, he knows who he is, he is someone i know for yrs le... and someone still there for mi. A god didi that still takes mi as his korkor or even more than a korkor. Thx for letting me have this feeling, yet i recalled what i did in the past. I am really sorry. I should have placed them in the first place and forgotten how u feel. I'm really appreciate of what u had done. Thx L for what u had done. But i promise that i will try to minimize what is hurting for u as far as possible. Perhaps... I... juz keep most of the things to myself instead of putting it here.

Note to some, there sometimes as mentioned by my geog teacher yrs back. It is best to keep things in the dark at times.

Those who knows, pls give mi some face by keep it controlled. Even if it is true. Please try not to spread it in a bad way thx.

2008-07-03T01:26:00.003+08:00

The time now is 0127 hr... yet i am not in bed and rest till tml morning for camp... will i be able to wake up and go camp on time?

Today is about more than a week of the tragedy that happened to me. Till now, i think it is a good learning point in life of how i should sell myself out to others who are new to me. Be it they are guys, gals, lesbians, gays or whoever u are. Aunties, uncles, boys and gals... I think it is the time how i show my 1st impression to them.

There are many kinds of friends in this world till date that i had discovered. There are friends or brothers like yuan, vincent, desmond, keong, jeffrey and patrick. Close pals like lester and many more. of cuz the sisters, not that kinda sisters but the gf or wife of some guys mentioned above. They taught me how to tackle and understand gals at times. I should be fortunate that i have such people around me.

For those people who comes and goes without leaving a note for me to know, Guess i know what happened, and what i had done. No point apologising cuz u guys will think that such formalities are juz for show. I think so too, cuz u people are just too plastic to me. Come in and fuck and spit and leave a scar. But thanks lo... such scars are meant for me to learn from mistakes rite? Guess such mistakes i must bear in mind and not to let it happened again.

like what i told bernard. 1st time, is a testing phase... 2nd time is a learning phase... 3rd time is till to buck up and nv let it happen again... 4th time and above still the same.. think u are a person who cannot make it le... I hope that it has not reached the stage where there is no cure for me. I will definitely find a cure and be better than u guys in someways to excel myself..

U GUYS WHO ONCE LOOKED DOWN ON ME... I'LL BE SURE THAT I DO SOMETHING BETTER THAN U GUYS AND MAKE U GUYS LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF...!!!!

2008-06-30T22:04:00.006+08:00

For some reason, i keep on thinking abt the past, yet i forgotten that in reality, i am in 2008 and not 2004. It is time to move on with maturity and never look back for certain reason. But looking back on what i had done, cannot only rebuild your memories but not relive it. There is no way to relive everything where what had been done is already done. No point crying over spilled milk.

Like juz now saw a person that i once had feelings for but ended up, she treats me so cold. So no pt going up to her, and say hi how's life? Will she still cares, i wonder so.

Me and this special friend of mine were bonded together with a song and also an item that is religious. Is a blessing given to him by me and buddha. Hope that it works lar. Nv to say i love u as a couple but i love u as a very close buddy, a dear brother to mi.

this truth suddenly come back to me where in the first place i took him as a brother. Yes i do love him. YES! i do love him. So what's the rationale? I dun treat him as a bf or wat... juz a bro, a close bro to me. I dun have any siblings, is it at fault to have a close buddy who can become a brother to me? Okay, enough of such nonsense for 4 days to a week le. Time to do a debrief on it sooner or later, if not it wun end till i found the thing i want.

back to special events.

On sunday, 29062008, we celebrated jeff's birthday at revenue house. Not the building that make his day but the restaurant in it makes the day.

Total we spent 150+++ on sushi and also a cake for him lar. we got a video and also some pics. We made some tricks on the candles, he blow until no breath le den finish blowing off the candles...

due to technical problems, the candle blowing will be posted in the next post. Sorri for the inconvenience caused and happy waiting.
..

2008-06-28T00:05:00.002+08:00

For some reason, i today made an effort to go down to some place to meet someone which i actually agreed to meet. But of such so many excuses until, almost broke off this friendship if i dun find time for him. Juz dunno why dispense most of the formalities, i juz like to his presence. The kinda looks that he gave me when he sleeps looks cute some way lar... i shall nv mention names and those who knows, pls keep it to yourself from now on, cuz i dun wish to make such a publicity for such matters. It is meant to be kept in the dark for some reasons.

So for now, some things had learnt and will try to improvised furthermore.

5 more working days and soon will be my ORD date to come. Yeah!! but not Yeah for double joy cuz i have not found any job yet. Hope that i can get into AME for now. If not i will be broke for dunno upteen months for the years to come. Though no prospect, but worth working for the moment bah. At most climb up slowly up the ladder, no rush as long got stable income, relevant benefits and of cuz variable bonus, 13th mth bonus and many more lar...

Like what li-ann mentioned, there is somewhere i want to go, but don't where it is. Someone i want to meet, but don't know whom. A quote mentioned on 29th 1980. I think i mentioned it somewhere 3 to 4yrs back.. Hope it still works in 2008.

2008-06-26T21:32:00.003+08:00

Day 3 after the incident, finally today got the mood to think of ways to whack my new guys. Anyway, this is a sign of saying that this emoing stuffs does not affect my mood at work. As far as possible, i try not to give myself so much of a problem. Been so tiring because of this matter which involves, love, like, respect, pride and integrity. I've lost quite a lot in this. trust, respect, love. I've been in a frame where i am dreaming of falling in love again. Why is it so?

I want something that can juz give me the kinda temporary enjoyment but this kinda enjoyment, where can i get it? I have nothing with me. I've lost my self respect, faith, respect for others, integrity and so on. Almost lost a few friends, chances and so on. I wish to get it back as soon as possible. I am crazy over this, am i day dreaming or living in my own world once again? Been emoing so much that i feels like a wandering who is going around the world looking for one particular person or item or even feelings.

I admit i've lost the battle. I had nv won any battle against myself. I always gives in so easily, i am weakling. I want to cry, i want attention, why would nv grow up with pride? I remember in sec sch, always reading this creed with the words, self respect/ working hand in hand/ honest in performance/taking pride in all task and also dare to serve. dare to do to be, dare to serve with my hands/heart. Where are all the courage in me? Gone with the wind or gone with time?

I know how to encourage people yet i dunno how to self encourage. THink forget it lar... Let time heals me again and encourage myself with sweets again.

2008-06-25T21:18:00.002+08:00

Day 2 aftermath of what had happened. Since that night, i have been thinking of someone, or rather some matters that had happened and still trying to figure out something before i sank into severe emo-ing state or worst still, depression. Hope that this day don't come or never come again. Guess not much people knows that i had suffered from depression before once in secondary school. At that point of time, i feel damn left out because some of the classmates takes me as their clown, played with my name, my parents' name and so on. Cursing and swearing, furthermore my mum takes me as her treasure.

Surrounds me in a cage and never really interacted with the outside world alone. Got once this kind of pressure had caused me so much of pain that i had vent my frustrations out without me knowing of my anger and sadness. Out of the blue i can juz throw things around and thinking of me like a superman flying from high floors. I don't wish this to be happening again.

Yes i do matters about how people looks at me, always trying out the best of me to others. But wonder why when i approach some people, it will not be my usual self that is expressing to others. Why is it so difficult for me to keep stable and keep quite? Why can't i have my own style, forever under other people's comments of myself. Why is it so?

If there is any passerby with comments, feel free to tag on it and if it is good enough, i am willing to take into consideration as there is a need for me to change for the better. Next yr is my 2nd cycle in life, 24yr old le. Cannot always stay in the current self liao le. I am still searching for the motivation to move. Wonder who can help me out.

2008-06-24T20:48:00.003+08:00

Currently, i am chatting with a camp mate that has already ORDed...

He is waking me up from my dreams lo... All sorts of illusion came after yesterday's incident, which i dun wish to elaborate further. This incident had given me another impact on how should i express myself towards a stranger, although he or she possess the similar interests or passion bah.

I find that, i am a bit desperate as what lester mentioned but i think that it is like, kinda kid who wanna know new friends and eager to let them see what they have. In the end, i cannot achieve what i wish to achieved. I feel very tired of it. Buddha or god even the wise ppl around me had shed light on me for the past few mths since the last crisis. I am very happy abt that and practically, am actually enjoying till i forgotten how to sustain this light of mine.

Until i let it dim off after sometime. Till now den i figured out that all these are actually illusions as mentioned by many saints, wise man and friends around me. Now i am in the crisis of breaking off the past and present, everytime something had happened, i would relate it to the past. Till i had not known that actually the solution is juz in the problem. Always staying in the past till i always dropped dead.

OK lar, enough of these nonsense and wake up lar... Be it for Mr D, i made a bad impression on him, hope that my sincere apologies had be expressed to him via my friend Mr L. I juz hope to maintain a simple friendship that's all, anything further than it, i shall react at a later time.

2 weeks review

2008-06-22T17:38:00.004+08:00

it has been quite sometime i nv blog le. So here is the life recently.

Feeling super nostalgic recently, why is it so??? Cuz i will be ording in about less than a mths time and i will be leaving the army to the society. And yes, still have in-camp to follow up in the next 10yrs cycle.

I feel so great that i know quite a few good friends in camp. sad thing is that have to leave them for my ORD lifestyle liao.

For now, i really have to know how to carry myself den. Before i actually present myself to others. Juz wondering why is this world so unfair to me, giving all such chances yet i have ruined it in my hands. I really wish to know the answer to them. Why can't i juz open up my true self and suffer in the dark? WHy WHy Why???

I had really fed up of this. I want him, him him, or even her to be in my life but why always ruins in my life? i dun wish to waste my tears on such things ever again, I had enough of trying, in return with disappointments. I dun wish to be looked down and being mocked at saying that colin is desperate or what? I juz wish to enjoy most of the things being together having fun, the loving moments and so on. But why?

I see one, i like one, why can't i juz stick to one? I really had enough of all these, saying it to myself over and over again. Sometimes juz wish to find a way, end up and finish up and carry one with a greater aspect in life.

Juz hope that time, future, mindset and habit can change every facts in me and every impressions to all that know me...

leap of love...

2008-06-11T23:27:00.003+08:00

recently been reading the book called leap of love, realli hope that i can follow the quote in it...

"There is someone i wanna meet, but i dunno who is she/he,
There is a place i wanna go, but i dunno where is the place."

Hope that this quote can motivate me to do something. Anyway for your info to some. As mentioned in my previous post that i am a bi and so on. I am a bi, indeed that this fact cannot changed, but i can improve myself on loving myself den a gal in mind. hope that it will be successful.

2008-06-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

It is near my ORD soon le. So fast, my two years of service is coming to the end le. But neither will i feel sad nor happy about this, mainly are because of the following factors.

I had seen quite a number of people whom i had worked together with. Fucked up ones who gave me lots of shit to do yet almost left me there to die and those who actually worked together with me and i learn a lot from them.
It is something that i had to do in the least to give back to my country where i lived, so at the least i don't owe them anything except for income tax that i will be paying for the next 10 to 30yrs of my working life.
NS to me is a stepping stone, another mileage that i had clocked as a form of experience as well as transformation in life.
As a soldier, it is my duty to protect my friends, family and country for front line safety and internal security. To to others i might be wayang-ing. But as a matter of fact, that is what i really think after 2 yrs of my service for SAF.

It is not that bad after all now, as compared to the past when i just posted into units. So fear not, for the enlistees but 10yrs of in-camp. Here i come... haha...

Anyway, personal life now. Last weekend, we had a gathering that had not been in place for the past few yrs le. That is the gather of 6 bros together with vincent. All along, we had meet up but not as this grp and had photos as well as fun together lo. So here are a few of it and enjoy.

All not happy with the drink
da sao enjoying with junyuan in such good ambience.

vincent so xin fu with jeffrey wor. Keong shouting for help at the back cuz, he too heavy liao le...

jeffrey can't bear to part with us wor...
couple fight with their cameras... desmond still the same... haha...

Sunday was junyuan's birthday and celebrated at swenson vivo city.

the 6 at the cake... and what is desmond doing?
main character
main character plus sub character weikeong, his was on the 1st, belated birthday to u...
main character with gf... smile a bit ma, dun be so stone...
so loving wor... oppss... jeff and keong... dun tell mi u guys are???.... opps... juz joking...

more photo treats at my friendster album... will blog again...

R2D2

2008-05-20T21:29:00.002+08:00

so sianz... got lots of things to say out but dunno how to put it in words.

Perhaps i list it out in point form bah.

lack of experience in man management. Eh wait, not experience but the force to push them, cuz they are climbing over each other's head le.
lack of personal control or the knowledge/experience on one person's liking for others.
Time to rush for my resume and also update on my daily emotions updates but no work related info will be disclose down here due to restricted info under SAF context. So sorry abt this, cannot let u all see what i am doing.
Body performance is going down and now needs plenty of rests and also need time to build up certain things related to mind body and soul.

260508

While watching channel 8 show the time. I am also thinking of something else. What if one day, everyone closes to me or someone who loves me left me one after another. What will the day of it be like? But somehow i knows that i enjoy hugging people around me that looks huggable. I really enjoy it, but will i fall into it or actually i belongs to there. Time knows the answer and it is for me to find out. Hope that the time comes faster then.

For all who cares for the natural disasters' victims

2008-05-18T03:38:00.001+08:00

Please pray for the safety of those surviving victims from the latest disasters. like Sichuan's earthquake or Myanmar's tropical cyclones, totals adds up is around 1 portion of singapore's population, let say one district le. For those who can lend a hand by donating, please do so to help them build their homes back and also to cure for needy ppl.

For those who cannot help with mentioned ways, please pray for their safety and also hope those affected can find their alive family, friends and relatives. Hope this simple blessing can let them feel the warmth they need. To overcome this fear that brought to them by natural disasters.

Please spread around and also please offer your blessings and prayers to them. I have nothing to give them but a warm blessing as a buddhist, singaporean and part of the nation that is there for help them with the least effort that i can do.

2008-05-11T21:41:00.001+08:00

high expectation, unable to fulfill.

2008-05-11T16:35:00.001+08:00

hih bloggy, long time no see. Recently, i am a bit fed up of myself. I put myself too high that i cannot cope with what i want in life. I really had difficulties in coping with it now. Reason is that i do not wish to be in deep grieve or regret for life. I want to fulfill it to the max.

IN life i got lots of dreams, it looks so real to be but in fact, i nid to work doubly hard to fulfill all my wishes lo. juz like wanting to get a partner like that. Why i desire to have a male companion, i am worried of how ppl look at me and so on. Cuz i am the only child, firstly. And secondly, i have more straight friends that others, which makes mi a bit awkward after that.

Why i force myself to work doubly hard is because i dun wanna be left out of the crowd. Got lots of thoughts going round and round in my mind, but when is the time where i can actually let myself out of the cage? Where i have the freedom to choose what i want in life. The most suitable thing that i personally thinks that it suits me best.

What suit me best now is to be single, look at everything around me and get to know how to communicate with gals... if not, i wun get to go anywhere from here...

2008-05-11T16:32:00.001+08:00

Myspace Zodiac Graphics

weekly update of mi.

2008-05-04T23:15:00.001+08:00

shag out in camp, where ppl like me should be relaxing because ORD date is near. But wondering why is it so that i am still so attached to my work and wondering how's things is done. Am i too engrossed in work and ending myself being so lifeless.

Reflections on what i had done thru out the week.

Wonder what have i done wrong to some ppl in my msn. When they state a certain thing. It is like not clear, they ask mi to use some sense. Now who is in the wrong in the first place. Ok, i admit that i am indirect at fault cuz i dunno that he is busy or indulge in his work. Sometimes i find that wanting to catch up with ppl, also get scolding, dun go find time, also get nagging say why i dun care them? Leaving them to rot and die in peace? No, i am juz giving them the personal space they want. They want it? i'll give it for sure, no worries, 30 days money back guarantee.

think will carry on another day, forgotten what i wanna write liao le...

life and death

2008-05-01T00:46:00.001+08:00

life and death come so sudden. One moment u are having fun with your gf or wife. 1 day or then a few weeks later, u will find out that u are soon to be a father. When the child is born, U will grow older. When your child got into the cycle, u found out that u are half way into the coffin where u are facing death in front of u. it comes so sudden yet it makes everyone around u sad and feeling miserable.

So treasure what u have within and around u. It hurts when the news of your loved ones, your pet that had followed u for yrs died of certain reason.

When lester says that his chinchila died. it suddenly reminds mi of my 9 hamsters that left mi one by one and my rabbit that suddenly gotta depart from me due to his infected feet. Somehow it shows that i did not really take good care of them but they brought me happiness fun and laughter. Seeing them grow up and grew old. Playing with them and seeing them come to me and made me laugh. I really misses them suddenly. But they are no longer around. There is no way that i can replace them in my memories. So no choice but to carry on normally and not the commit the same thing again in future.

Same goes with my own fault. When i say that i wanna treat my mother to dinner yet i did not go but went out with another friend. And i am really sorry to my mother. Once again i let her down. Feel so sad for her and angry of myself.

Tiring day

2008-04-29T19:12:00.001+08:00

I super hate work cuz it can make a person feel so drained out and also one thing... hate his workplace even more.. and also people around mi more than the previous ones.... Not in the mood to publish more of it... cuz it is restricted info. So i am not allowed to talk it in public.

Tiredness

2008-04-28T21:06:00.002+08:00

I hate to hear people saying that i am not a person for u to care or to like. I am not a person that can be dispose off like some rubbish for good. I am not a person without feelings or follow the crowd blindly. I am not as blind as before le. For goodness sake, can u all at least let mi have a taste of it? I am not a timid guy as before, it is nothing that is against the law like trafficking drugs or even killing someone.

Juz merely trying out the livelihood of loving or liking someone. And excuse me. Each of us got our individual preferences, is it a crime that i start loving someone?

If that person gets jealous on me liking someone that i not suppose to put in effort, i got a feeling that he got extra feelings for me le. IF i can get a gf... that is ideal. Think i can carry on dreaming le bah....

Back to topic.

perhaps carry on another time den....

Ends at 28042008 2148hr

past and present

2008-04-26T16:11:00.002+08:00

Life changes from day to day. Day after day, time changes, people come people goes. I juz hope to have some time to adsorb and maintain/treasure as much as i can. But still i am unable to tame and catch what i wanted in life.

2007-11-29T18:00:00.000+08:00

long time nv use this blog le, cuz i using the other blog for my easy maintenance so... haha... anyway, MO has downgraded mi to PES C9L3 for permanent le and den lots and lots of things had happened... pek chek ah... forget it... one added on top of another.

2007-06-01T01:25:00.000+08:00

You Are 96% Gentleman

No doubt about it, you are a total gentleman.You please the pickiest ladies, and you make everyone in a room feel comfortable.

Are You A Gentleman?

2007-05-16T22:49:00.000+08:00

now my head is so big liao lo.. super super big... if the MO wanna review my pes, i will be boarded as PES B lo... I am scared that i will go recourse, but now is like... what the heck, suddenly become pes b... IPPT is still okay but i am worried of the recourse part...

Sometimes why loneliness love to come attack me when i am not noticing abt it... funny lo, at times i can kill mi with a blow, sometimes it juz takes time to make mi die and sometimes more worst, i can go die without knowing it...

2007-05-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

Time to update a bit of what i am thinking lately... I juz wonder why is it there are still guys who are as bitchy or as busybody as some aunties along the streets? Can't they juz keep their noses within their business???

I have feelings for some guys, yar but why are there ppl say i love them? Can't they differentiate between like the feeling and love the person? I juz love the feeling that's all and not loving all of them at one go.

Anyway, this shall still be the unknown answer for mi... shall carry on finding the answer.

a zen monk mentioned abt this in the papers recently :

It’s just to accept every momentas it comes, to accept every momentas complete, every moment asperfect and every moment as enough.

I shall treasure every moment of happiness, anger, sadness from now on bah... No matter is good or bad, i shall juz accept it for what it is now... nv forced it to a ending which i nv wants....
Shall hope that this day faster come.

2006-12-06T22:24:00.001+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2006-11-11T10:35:00.000+08:00

26 october till now, 2 weeks liao wor, still i am sure to say that, things moves very slowly... though i had quite a good time in camp, even i am a lobo or a guy who is out of course but still it is fun in the camp at least.

Time to update a bit of my heart knot liao le...

but becuz i dunno why i love chanting alot, after chanting services at some small temples, the sifu will give a talk. Everytime i was in a mess with my heart, it is like some fire movements going on lo... similar to some bomb war going on like that, as though a grenade throw had juz happened... fragments attacks going on around here and there...

Okay, initially i started off going out with a certain heart with B, but den later we were not ready, so we leave it as it is becuz B was bz with things, so nvm, den i confronted with L by telling him all this and that, now he dun want mi liao, so i sort of happy. Fair enuff, suan le lar, over is over le... brooding over it also no use...

starts from 22/11/2006 lar, back from 2 mths ago issue, till now still unsettled... think some knows it and i will not further elaborate, now i juz wish to cry after watching the show on love...

2006-10-26T20:41:00.000+08:00

wah liew... din notice that i so long nv update blog liao...

Becuz recently quite a few things happening, so din really wanna type instead, i wrote on paper and kept it to myself rather than ppl seeing it and gossip around...

I OOC from ATT but the OIC aka OC of SOA gave mi another chance by doing ASA course, but den now i think i will juz have to wait lo... Now lobo le... at least i got a place in the guardroom which is consider good for me... meanwhile planning on when to clear leave as i got a balance of a few days. No off to be claimed so i have to make use of my leave lo...

Sorry lester, i have to say, i am not the old colin le, now i say love u as a bro, u shld know what i meant le... Where the others, u guys know what i want and also those whose mouth that needs to shut up, i am grateful that u guys had done it. I appreciate it very much, keep it up as far as u guys can tahan k??? once in a while, i dun mind but if u guys do it too openly, i mind k... U guys have the pride, i also have. Do give mi some pride if u guys wants it too...

Ah yuan in ocs, muz hang on there, but if it happens that u cannot take it as a leader, juz voice out and step down. Each of us got limits, if u cannot stand it, maybe u make a step lower by being a section leader. Try step by step first bah, i know i am no where better but do hang it there as it has quite a good future in ocs.

ah des in sispec, i think u can take it one, do hang on as far as u can... I think u got your aim liao, juz keep it up.

As for mi, is the annual reflections for me le... 2 more days to reflection date. So i muz do what i nid to do le... 2yrs plan has been prepared for myself, i hope that i am able to fulfill this proposal of mine. Reviews will be conducted regularly, helps will be greatly appreciated from both world... those who knows, juz keep it to yourself, those dunno pls do not ask, i nid to hang on there or choose one at the latest age of 25, earliest will be 23, i nid to work hard to have a feel or do what i want before i am out for the bz world out there... time dun wait for mi and so does my target. They might flicker from time to them, catch them while i can...

I may be writing nonsense by u guys knows what i am saying, juz comment it in the tag board, no one comment veri sian de lo... if not update yourself with my personal life at my livejournal under xtra section...

2006-09-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

hmm, what a boring saturday, maybe i shall do a bit of blogging...

Long before 21st july 2006, there is this guy named colin loh... he has no sense of direction at that point of time, low self-esteem and pride as well. So before his ns, he has no sense of direction, always there is things in his mind that he wanna do, yet he dun dare to do. So upon enlistment, he was so sad that he got lots of things unable to fufill his dreams...

So today is 30th september, exactly 28 days more to 21yr old for mi... Lots of feelings to be said or mentioned in this chapter 21 of colin's life... realli lo...

There is about a prequisites of 15 chapters down the road to say. Still the chapter is planned in advance like a story book, but the real thing is still to be played by me... Now i juz wanna have these birthday wish...

Since i told myself that i am a bi, maybe for them they know what i will do liao, and some might not know....

It is good for mi to have the feel of it of how isit like to have a bf. But eventually if possible, by age of 25, i wish to be a straight guy once again and for the rest of my life... Have a gf and form a family after with 2 childrens at least... Becuz of a kinda filial piety for my parents, becuz they nv stop mi from doing anything and i nv let them know of what i am doing... So in appreciation, i wish to give them such returns of what they had given me all these years. Having a bf is like having a brother who can be by my side at times of sad and happy times. In order to get my eternal happiness, i muz achieve what i had planned ahead of mi. SO we shall see how it goes lar...

2006-09-27T22:58:00.000+08:00

Think it is juz another crush bah... since i cannot get what i want from them, then i will just have to give it up den... I know myself, i cannot do it, it is not meant for mi.... There is this guy call S J Lee, he sort of wanna play gay with mi, but he had moved my heart slightly... Think soon enuff, i will juz fall back...

Met up with a guy call marcus, he is a friend of my ex-company 2IC's friend... so coincidence, nv expect that to happen lo... But still, friends are friends, nv will i fall into such things unless fate gave mi so...

Upon saying fate allows mi, i wondering, what had i done in my past lives making myself feel so miserably sad... Can see cannot know them more... why am i limiting myself such way, can't i juz get back my friendly side???

and for the ANDREW LOW, KINDLY STOP YOUR JOKES SOME DAY BEFORE I BITE BACK.... This is no joke, it is hitting my limit soon, u better stop or else i will give drastic reactions... Becuz i had sort of enuff of the jokes liao, joke can joke but pls know the limit. U had juz hit the limit and soon my patiences will juz blast off...

After reading marcus blog, it came to my mind that they are loving... As for mi, it still in a maze, like the route for mi to learn my ammunition like that, lost like hell... I got feeling for andrew, but nv dare to accept it... I love lester as a brother, yet i giving him more than i should give... Why isit so??? I am getting mad soon liao lar.. somebody help mi... this pain is killing mi le lar... now it is on my own liao... Simple life --> simple man... Things are good to know and some is a need to know whereas some things are need not to be known. Why should be in such a situation? Am i too busybody or curious to go find out what i shld know or do? I feel like crying yet tears are dried as usual. Mother say want mi and my father co-owner to get a new unit, dunno to be happy or sad... 21yr old soon liao, yet still no sense of direction, no one is there to guide mi.... i nid a guide.... i wish to have a lover, gal or guy, i wanna have a feel of it... pls buddha or heaven, can give mi one person who can love mi and give mi a support plus directions? realli lost in civilian life, during work, i know what i shld do, but after work, i dunno, muz i be a workaholic or juz a normal guy out there who can have fun while in their workload???

2006-09-21T21:10:00.000+08:00

Haiz, colin is back for reporting again... sian sia... dunno how to start off...

thank u veri much guys for promoting mi as a bi, or 302.50... freaking feeling lo... let the whole world know i bi, what the hell lo...

Recently i was posted to safac for training to be a spec in that unit... den i saw this guy since day 1 which is monday... till now i see him i wanna know him, den my ex-platoon mates know him as he is a smoker, den these few days i see him, he see mi, but i dun dare to open my mouth and tell him i wanna know him, den those friends come ask mi abt bisexual things, i answer lar, but i juz wanna be a simple man, who can have a gf as a companion, i know myself, i like guys too but i cannot be together with them wat... becuz that is my rule of the game... knowing is another matter, liking is another matter, sexual sensation is another matter... so what can i say???

i used to have this thinking of hugging and leaning against a man's chest... so does holding hands... but ever since i had a bgr for juz pathetic 4 days, i rather choose a hug and also a chest to lean on will do le... becuz i am still a man to protect my lover, lifetime companion, if time and environment allows, i wanna have a family with 2 children.... i dun wish my family to be like mi, so lonely for life and even the child turning to be a gay also no one knows...

I once asked buddha to guide mi thru, but now, he gave mi a few ppl to test on mi, now is out to test becuz in camp, got one cpl is like shane den another trainee is out to lure mi into the hook... if i am able to pass this things, i feels tht i nid a support from a man, to give mi a push... and a women to support mi from behind, as this will build my family form instead...

i dun ask for sex but i ask for eternal happiness... i dunno how to find that or where to find it sia... hope that someone is able to guy mi thru...

I adopted this baby boi as i almost fall for him, but i know that he will not accept mi, but to ease my temptation for him, i adopted him as my baby boi... so like that lo.... sad to say rite but no choice... as for andrew, not the shortie in my platoon... but andrew, u know yourself, if u happen to read it, i hope that we can still keep in contact... i dun wish to lose ppl like them who can realli give mi advices and support behind mi... without them i wonder where i am now... maybe in imh or still somewhere in the fantasy of love... maybe still in a confused stage???

2006-09-13T12:02:00.000+08:00

I feels that i am rotting my days again... Block leave si bei sian, always can rot all over de... why ah... 12 noon and i am doing nothing... Later go out and eat lunch den see how lar... Maybe go to the seaside again, last time in camp, got time can look at the sea, now cannot le, so might thought of going out to seaside again...

So troubled but at least i found something last nite. No kisses and puppy love in this circle, becuz i know my personalities, characters and taste. I will not be able to find true love in this circle. No true love i can find here de lar...

Thanks to baby boi... he realli knows how to help mi out when i am in a troubled state. Thank u, though u nid to go for course and i will go to my unit next week. I hope that we still maintain what we supposed to be, though somethings u cannot give but the least i can expect from u is a friendship and a hand of support when i am in need of it. Though nothing much is given, but i appreciate that u are someone who can accompany and care for mi when i wants.

As for lester, still the same from the previous entry, when i reach the limit means limit, dun ask too much from mi before i bite.... And this bite is not ordinary bite, this bite can make u cry for no reason lo... i will guarantee that this bite will leave a scar in your heart forever... dun believe, try mi, that time it will be like bryan chow, which will leave my heart silently...

Think i will end here lar, continue again another time...

2006-09-12T12:33:00.000+08:00

Why am i always like that??? Even in ns le, still got the bloody feelings of being lost in outer space... I really cannot control this feelings in an oderly manner lo...

Yesterday went for mj, i thought i would always think of lester but now is samuel... I rather maintain it as a buddy that a lover... he is a nice guy, i wanna hug him or him lending mi a shoulder to lean on whenever i want it... But i am sure he can make a good buddy but nt a lover... Lover/stead/wife/lifetime partner.... these means the same thing to mi... for now, 2yrs down the road, i dun dare to think so much at the moment becuz i will ORD in 23, where the age is still young ahead of mi, so now juz do what i nid to do in NS. after that fuck off and work with big money or study.... I have a diploma in hand so i am not scared of not having a job, so does my experience in work... But now i am inexperienced in love... i nv wanna feel hurt or i want to be hurt by someone...

Damn down and confused by the gust of love winds in front of mi... 1 more mth to my birthday and that is my 21st birthday... I have a key that has a heart on it, hope that this key can give mi a hand. I chose it myself and my mum bought it for mi... Hope that the key can guide mi to where i want in life...

I want a him and a her.... But still have to choose one, hope by ORD, i know who to choose... hope the someone read liao do give mi a supporting hand...

Lover or liar???

2006-09-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

Haha, funny topic again for mi... for some, this topic is nothing to them... but now this qn is not aiming on others but myself...

This afternoon i called lester up... I am veri disappointed in him... A man shld do what a man shld do, in my case i thought i can be his support so can he, but now it seems that i am the one supporting him rather than him come supporting mi by giving mi a hand. Mr samuel soon and some other friends, i realli appreciate that u guys actually given mi a support and also a hand. That is realli touching, i dunno how to repay such actions that is offered by u guys out there... how i wish i can juz give a hug??? No kisses, that is for gals i shld say by now after my BMT... Though OC always says use love, but love have to be used wisely lo...

Life is so frustrating that we at times have no idea of what to do and where to head next lo...

This is for lester:

Lester i know i care for u juz like a brother to u, at times i cross over the line and become a person more than a brother. U know a bi has more than one character or attitudes towards love and i am no different that i do have some confused and curious feelings towards ppl at times. Yes i do enjoy the cuddling and also the kissing, but it does ease mi for once but not forever. I cannot always recharge it by do it with u. I have my aims for now and that is finish my NS and go out to work and make a living and also to make myself a better Colin. Colin is beginning to change from a boy to a MAN. So u better change from a boi to a MAN too... We all have cocks, 1 asshole and 2 eyes, we are no diff. If u wish to be an aj forever, no one is stopping u but u are a man, a male.... Regardless u top or btm, i wish that u got the kinda courage to stand up and let go of everything that is bothering u.... No one is able to let it off at one go, i had nv rush u to do so or even scolded u for not letting off.... All i want to see is the smallest effort that is presented from u... Hope that if u happen to read this, give mi a msg over my msn or my phone.

Life is nv easy, i had gone thru my 7 weeks modified bmt with minimal fluctuations. hope that your life ahead can be done too... Anything juz come to mi as a man and not a girly man... i dun like such person...

end of sch review

2006-09-03T12:40:00.000+08:00

In BMT we have something call AAR, now i shld have a end of sch review with myself....

These few weeks was not a rather tough training but is rather a fun and enjoying training module for us. Though some trainings are meant to be tough, but den my endurance is more on mental aspect....

So back to a summary of what i had done for the past few weeks. When i was in tekong, nothing much came to attack mi except for my bad mangement in my emotions. This can cause a mild depression on mi. It is not a problem, i enjoyed myself in the camp during the recruits evening and it is den relieved now. Den after that, recalled back, there is some spooky things happened to mi. Still gotta take it as nothing has happened. As told by ven. xian hui, she says that, even if i see it, juz recite the buddha name and transference of merits to them....

So in short, see also take it as nv see.... that things aside lar...

So now i sort of gonna miss my platoon mates and bunk mates, so fast 7 weeks passes by like a gust of wind. I remembered that i am about to change into a new colin but now... yesterday made mi feels that i have not worked hard enough, i wanna be a bi, forever a bi and not a gay.... Ideally will be a straight guy, but like no hope lo... see how bah, dun be gay i am happy enuff le...

Went to comex with a net friend followed by meeting my friends, i find that it is always myself with i am with my friends, though sometimes they cannot tolerate of what i am... and Ulysses platoon mates, if u guys happens to read my blog, dun be shock that i am a bi, even if i am a bi, i wun eat u guys up, i promise that, in future do keep in contact k???

beginning to love tekong???

2006-08-19T17:34:00.000+08:00

Yes, i am in love with tekong, but i am not in love with their food, i simply hate the cookhouse food... how i wish that sir can let us go to the canteen for roti john. My company got one guy, he declared himself as a aj and den got himself out of course... what a waste of time and effort, come into PES C batch and sort of relaxing batch, yet he still wanna get ooc, might as well make himself oot rite???

Recent weeks i am so lazy to write blog is becuz i am back to sleep to make mini changes to my sleeping habits.... damn damn damn tired lo... Not tough training but is tough slacking, i thought i can have some mini runs or games or pumps. But recently my syllabus changed till that we are doing it the professional way where pumps are lesser than expected... Oh so compared to other companies, i think mine has more welfare and we are more of they kinda thinking soldiers...

Got over my field camp and now looking forward to range and live grenade throw... But saddest thing is that i have go back tonight, saturday night... ppl go out i go back camp... sibei sian ah... okay lar, talk again another time... i will note some mood swings incident den...

wake up to lights off

2006-08-05T04:53:00.000+08:00

shag man, everyday since 22 july till now.... everyday 2230 and 0530, hear till sian and now is 0450 of 050806, damn sian lo.... want to sleep a bit more also have to struggle...

later den continue...

back to story, okay, i lost my old self, which is the old colin loh, the emotional and dun listen to instruction, and i gained some new friends in my platoon 2 of ulysses, this can link back to 2 weeks ago on 21st july, i was a blur cock in tekong, and then now, i am getting used to it, and so fast, 2 weeks had passed, getting closer to the 50 ppl including mi when i was in tekong... Some can make long lasting friends, some cannot, i can guarantee that, not that i am saying bad about them, juz the mindset of our thinkings are different, some of us thinks that it muz be flexible, but some are not, so lao gu dong....

day 1 to day 14, everyday is a changing day for mi, from bunk 2 to bunk 1 den to bunk 4 and bunk 3, i know almost 15 of them in 2 weeks and get along with 50 ppl in juz 14 days, omg, is a difficult task lo. From my PC to my PS den to my 2IC and my CSM, oh i think i gonna die of depression if i am still in it, but luckily, i am not....

Ulysses platoon 2 is like a friendship circle to mi, everyone lends a supporting hand for each other when we needs it in camp, we cooperate and make life easier as we makes a chain of cooperation for each of us...

as i said i detached from the past, but some of it still leaving behind, like the urge to know my 2IC and PTI of my company.... fucking so attached to him but den juz got some kinda admiration on their looks, build and characters, wanna know them as friends, but i juz gotta tell myself, i am juz a recruit they are my PTI(2nd SGT) 2IC(2nd LT), if anyone happens to read this and is in ulysses, den they know who i am referring to....

Anyway, some dislike gays and some like gays, and i am juz there to be low profile. some knows of my condition becuz i told them... some do not, and i am not bothered to do much becuz i juz wanna be myself when i am in there, pass my range, my field camp and other courses available for mi, i wanna make this 7 weeks are fruitful one, left with another 5 weeks, veri fast over, and veri fast have to book in, waste the whole night sleeping, fuck it man... sorri for the vulgar some might not get used to it becuz i dun use vulgar, ppl knows that, and now i am using it...

thought my 2ic, juz 1 yr younger than mi, but still have to respect him as a sir...no choice but gotta bear with it...

reach home, like no feeling, sleep and sleep and sleep, sleep at 9 plus, wake up at 4 plus, den sleep and wake up at 10 plus... forgotten all the things i've done before NS, dunno who am i and what i shld be doing, only knows how to shower, eat sleep, relax, pack my things and sleep.... only know these, now dunno what to do... sian man....

Reflection journal....

2006-07-16T00:41:00.000+08:00

In the past when i am still a poly student, RJ is a daily neccessities for us....

But ever since i grad liao, i totally forgotten abt it... think i make a 6 mth RJ now bah... dunno will anyone read it, if yes pls tag on the tagboard thx...

Let mi update about myself, recalling from december 2005, i got feeling for a god sis in sch who is RW but now, is juz pure friendship... Yah, celine u improved my mindset too... Thanks for that but sometimes i wonder why my attitude changes at time, from good to bad, bad to worst...

Brothers, if u guys are reading, i really appreciate that u guys still care for mi, though i feels that i am being left out, but u all still try to make mi feels that i am within u guys, though words cannot represent what i feel because i sort of let u guys gave up hope on mi liao... Most of the time i let u guys feels that u shld not put in effort on mi but still thanks for u guys to stand by me when i nid u realli appreciate that when i am in rp...

Apart from it, i gain and lose a few friends too.... I managed to gain back a few friends like gim swee, changyuan, jonathan, jun 'an... I manage to gain them back after years of seperation.... We know each other since sec 1, 1998, veri far hor??? But i lost almost all of my pri sch friends, so sad... becuz we dun share the same frequency??? Perhaps yes...

Some friends which i juz know them, i am glad that we know each other at this pt of time, but if i put in extra feelings, hope that u guys will forgive mi becuz i am a lonely child since young, but i nv go groom myself to the best for others to look at mi... shag rite, but NS coming liao, after BMT le den decide what to do bah....

From the first secret admiration to the recent ones, i find that i am the one who thinks too much... I wanna step into love yet i am scared of this and that... what ppl see mi as and when i wish to bring them home, i scared this and that....

isit really that all i think are juz the aftermath and not the preparation??? I think i am digging a grave for myself like what we will do in outfield bah... I heard that is digging our own grave but soon will be trying out liao...

thanks sanz, if u are reading, though u nv help much, but at least u help mi share my heartly thoughts with u...

To be continued....

Past???

2006-07-13T15:59:00.000+08:00

The past i had was okay and so so only lar....

But when i browsed thru some ppl's blog who are a few yrs younger than mi, this reminds mi of the days i had before i grad... How i wish that i can back track and bit and make a simple upgrade on myself instead till now??? which makes mi feels that time is running out...

Why am i such a stupid guy in the past, ah freak... shld have save some money in the past to have a make over, self reflection in the mirror and let ppl think that i had improved my own personalities??? Think i muz be getting paranoid... most likely yes bah, anyway.... i think i am getting lazy day after day but after tml i will be slightly energetic becuz... i will finally get my pay tonight, yeah.... after waiting for so many days i got it by tonight liao... yahooooo~~!!!!

For some guys out there who doesn't read blogs, let mi tell u this, ppl's diary are not realli confidential anyway, those who thinks that is confidential, they might not even show it to u guys out there u bodoh... am i rude to say that but i am aiming on one person who does not realli believes in blog... as them to go read, is like asking them to go die....

i have this sec sch friend, he dun realli like blogs, but now, he is so into it with his gf... so lovely rite but too bad i nv go see... omg am i a bit anti-social, nv go read his blog, or isit maybe i know everything, neh forget it lar.... juz get a life of my own lar...

the sun out there is so sunny and i am sitting here sort of rotting away??? and watching bugs bunny, am i still a child or wat???

Never mind, i juz rot away like that lo....

2006-07-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

in less than 14 days, my end is there, where am i going to??? Of cos all singaporean males have to go lar, National Service lo... what u guys thinking about??? Neh, think is too lame to continue in such a way...

So back to topic, recently i find that i am always into fantasy, like ppl who love to daydreams lo.... I am now dreaming that i am living in an apartment by the coast of singapore.... i wish that i am staying in there 20yrs down the road.... by hood by crude, i wanna stay in an apartment with minimum of 4 rooms, so that i can accomodate the ppl i want them to say, but at least my wife if i am able to have one.... i am in dreaming mode liao, even though NS is juz next friday, which will start another phase in my life...

I was chatting on msn this afternoon, we got common topic where we cannot accept in male homo family, yah, i dun deny that i love guys, but the main issue why i love guys is that i admire how manly they are, how nice looking they are, how cute they are, how i wish i am in their shoes of have part of the talents they have.... But fat hope la, save money and go have a make over lar, sure come out nice nice de.... who dun want leh, right guys??? I am sure that my friends who are singles, hopes to have a gf of their own love them for what they are.... No offense to gays but so sorri that i might be stepping out as a bi in the next 5 yrs....

Am i saying somethings that i am unable to do again??? Maybe is time to build up my self confidence bah, go by my faith, nv do things that i am unable to do... dun kong kou shuo bai hua... talking nonsense am i??? yah muz be always day dream.. oh fuck, am i going nuts??? go and die lar mi... haiz...

Went out with GS, he always the same, ask mi when i am going to get a gf... now is not realli the right time lo... haiz... dun gao gay deeper can liao la... but den am i able to get a gf in future??? hope that fate comes faster, den i will have the motivation to do homework liao lo.... haiz... hungry le... i gonna find food....

2 days entries...

2006-07-08T23:31:00.001+08:00

sian again, gotta blog, i wonder why is writing an essay so difficult leh... Maybe i simply hate language sujects that's why...

what do i physically do and mentally done??? haiz, long story or wat...

yesterday i was so bored lo... changed 3 skins and found out the current one is so nice and i like it alot, so i juz keep it lo... dun care liao lar, use it for the moment till in future got better ones... den head on to suntec area to walk, so sad lo, nothing to do, no one to call, at camp de at camp, working de working... so sian and so sad lo... i dun wish to create a scene at my old workplace so i juz stop going there...

So i walk and walk and walk, till i am so bored i go to esplanade there to enjoy the breeze, den i saw a couple, keep on doing french kiss... i switch position 3 times liao, they still do the same, wah biang eh, too bad i no gf, if gt gf i will do even longer dun care what ppl say or see.... haha... so bad of mi to thing this way hor but nvm lar, day dream onli have or dun have is also another case becuz i myself nv make over or make myself look better..... so dun say much...

waited till 7.30, den go eat with andrew again, who is this guy rite.... hmm.... tell u more when the time is better as i also dunno what is rite or wrong... but he is a nice guy dun wish to give him empty hopes....

den today, went out with mum to see chinese sinseh, becuz he juz fell down few days ago and leg not walking well, so i followed her, den we went to paya lebar fo guang shan to settle something, so i juz carry on lo... send her to bugis to find things, den she go her own i go my own to meet some ex-colleagues...

this josephine hor, got hao liao also dunno how to intro earlier lo. her bf's brother so nice looking, how i wish i got his half talents, so i wun be so miserable now, thinking of how to get a make over.... oh fuck, am i getting into that tremours again??? dun think so bah, hope so is not, let mi daydream for these 2 weeks can before my tekong comes??? so sad so hear that but i am more than happy to do it becuz can go in and got things to do le.... den book out can go back to the days in poly, after sch go out and have fun... haha... brings back memories lo...

kk lar, update u guys again soon lar...

east coast

2006-07-07T01:27:00.000+08:00

yesterday i ran almost east of sg and den went home along the southern-east coast of sg...

Am i crazy to say that i too naive... let mi elaborate...

i went out at around 9 something to ghim moh for dental appointment... den go home change lo...
Went out to plaza sing for lunch, so hungry lo, wanna eat the fish soup but food court so many ppl, so instead i ate at mac... wanted to eat mos burger de, but andrew dun want lo... oh yah btw andrew zhuo is a new friend i know from the net, he is a nice guy, slightly shorted than mi but at least can ease the urge of mi to hug ppl, like the previous pic, i hug that zhengwei hug till he see mi run far far liao...haha...

Den we went to parkway parade, window shop a bit first den go east coast park, before heading there, we went to buy coffeebean drinks, i bought iced cappuccino, den he bought a belgian chocolate, after that we went to ntuc fairprice but along the way we got this student out of no where getting us to donate, so we donate 50 cts onli, becuz he showed us the student pass instead of his indentification for the donation thingy, dun think i dunno abt these i used to do flag day for 4 hours one hor last time.... haha i do know a bit of the rules hor...

we went in to picket and rail where he used to work, say till so much, macham i saying that i am in a gay relationship which many ppl expected, but actually is not lo.... he can be considered as my soulmate lo, which i can communicate and say out all my sorrows and happiness to share with, he can be also someone i can hug....

Too bad that i got something in mind, if i realli got the courage to go into a gay relationship, i would have chosen him but still can give up on lester... why i nv talk abt bgr is becuz, I DUN HAVE ANY GALS IN MIND, how to talk abt it leh... rite???

I wonder isit a bit too childish that i wanna hug someone to cry or isit that i wanna stay in my childhood where i love to cry if got this answer pls tell mi??? thx...

2006-06-30T23:25:00.000+08:00

so boring, how abt come another entry???

I recently find that i got not much things happening around mi, but actually yes, juz that i kept it low....

this happens during my staff fund function... i realli like it alot lo... how i wish that it happens more frequently as in i can hug the person i like, all the time or most of the time lar... i realli hopes that it happens lar... i wanted to enjoy the warmth of a person...

The thing that i am still confused is that i enjoy huggings, i like hugs, but i dunno what kinda hugs and the motive in it is what...

But for sure is that, i gotta hug this guy i wish to know for a long time le... hope that this will be a memorable nite for us...

How i wish i realli could have a chance to get myself attached with the gender the one and only that i prefer... I had enuff of going round and round in this darkness.... I am feeling sour in my heart why typing this entry... When looking at the things i done, i find that i am happy for that, but the happiness is for that moment of time only.... I want it to follow mi with such happiness for a lifetime, at least for this lifetime if i am not that greedy...

That is sandy, she is a nice lady, she is my supervisor when i am working in ntuc... we used to talk a lot, she can get along easily.... How i wish i am older than her where i can go chase after her.... If i am not that high class of her size, i will be chasing her liao.... but too bad, she is older than mi and she prefer older guys and she treats mi like a little bro, so what to do??? so freak off for mi and drop that idea....

-------------------------------

Next up is for today's, i went out for lunch and came back home, preparing to go out with my father for his friend's daughter wedding dinner... okay fair enuff, i saw a few guys i wanna know but dun dare to ask becuz they are the waiter, den i was thinking, am i siding that kid or wat, my father and those uncles wanna scold him, yet i kept quiet and look at him doing work....

I find that i am losing control again, i like the feeling of being with guys and den i saw the couple, the sista and her husband, the dinner look so okay lo... so so lo... but den i emotions fluctuates again... I feeling like crying lo, i see pics of 2 guys together so loving, den i see ppl of one family, so united and so caring for the childrens i wanna hae that.... I feeling like crying when my heart is so sour... i wanna cry out, but hard to, not even a single weep that i can weep out...even in one corner i wanna cry out also cannot.... i tell ppl not to cry over small things yet i am the one crying...... I wanna know what is going on in mi i nid a solution....

Love is what i seek for but i dare not face it... wonder why i dun dare to face it when i wish to have it.... scared that i will lose it if i dun treasure it??? haiz.... think carry on later bah....

no idea

2006-06-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

i have no idea what to write again... shagz ah... think i blog what i had thought and did for the past few weeks bah... For the past one week, i've been slacking as per normal and working on the same few days... Thinking abt the same thing again and again to improve it since most of my friends are not free and not in singapore island... What it means? on holidays? no lar, they on their BMT liao, at Pulau Tekong liao... Mine will be here soon on 21st july....

Den on monday, 19/6/2006, 2.30pm, i got a bloody complain, out of no where.... out of the blue lor, say my attitude bad, i keep quiet means bad lar, den those who speaks like a hog or shouts at u is call good attitude lar.... testing my patience??? my patience is damn good, i nv ever dare to talk back becuz i know i nv win them, end up gotta drink tea with manager which he asked mi why i wanna do it....... I do wat??? Did he know, is by word of mouth by supervisor and also customer, did they ever think of my feelings??? I was blamed for nothing and that words being put into my mouth for nothing, den forget it bah, in future dun let it happen again........ NEVER EVER gonna let it happened again... Fed up with the person who sits at the top in the branch. Hate him for life...

As for my personal life plans, think i gonna stay in these roles for him, LESTER, a bro + bf + close friend + soulmate.... can kiss+hug+hold hands de.... think no diff nowadays bah... colin and kero can do it, why i cannot... anyway, i planned to get a gf, when is the deadline, no idea, let time decide for mi bah, since i am not that stable in my thoughts, juz let time do the job den... If i ever rush it, i will nv get the one i wants. If i ever let it slip off again, think i will nv get it again...

Anyone who is reading my entries, i think some are regulars, juz read the following....

To start a relationship is fun and ez, juz say i love u, i want u to be my bf/gf can??? they say yes, it started...

To maintain it==> hmm, think is a bit difficult esp when u hold him/her tightly that they have no time to breathe or rest... haha, think i wanna die of anger and stress, i did try it before u know, start and end so fast that i still cannot get over.... but as time passes, it will juz slipped into your memory lane....

To end it, say ez is not ez, difficult is not difficult.... when sometimes, cannot get along, the phrase is " let's break up"....whoa.... heart break liao, hit the floor ah, knock your head on to the wall ah, and many more actions come out liao... omg, think u can go and die bah.... break up only, is not even your death of your family members or relatives lo.... so fast wanna die, u think your family happy??? they more sad lo... see u in this state....

How to make it a good relationship, give each other the kinda freedom u can and not control it like the dog at your home, the fishes in your tank and so on... freedom is what they want, attention is also needed, no attention means good luck den.... small gifts and surprises also good for them ma... who say no good... nv try how u know???

one sided love, i tried it so many times le, go see my histories bah..., u will see that when i fantasize, it is my one sided love story, one sided love won't hurt anyone but yourself... it gets u into troubles, stress and also problems that ppl might hate u for what u are.... u wanted love but end up is hate, u think is good??? i dun think is good.... i think u might as well juz outcast mi bah... anyway, whoever reads this, pls tag to give comments.... it might or might not help mi but it might help others... do tag and bye...

bisexual

2006-06-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

These few days or weeks, i feels that i have been doing quite lonely, slack and also a waste of time... I wasted 12hours on sleeping, then the balance 12 hours i juz wasted it off... And soon 21st july my enlistment day is to come, oh my god i feeling so.... excited yet bored, becuz my friend juz came back from passing out liao, den a few of them enlisted le, left about 1 or 2 have enlisted liao. I find that some things in me is getting aroused moment to moment.... My sexuality when coming to a relationship, i am so eager to get into one yet i am so eager to get out of this sexuality issue....

Ms sanz, u know who u are, u asked mi abt what i mean but i am not straight liao... Answer is simple, i am a bisexual, half brokeback mountain.... if that is the case u still dun understand i also dunno how to explain....

It is something inborn of mi which started developing in mi after pri 6.... i started looking at guys more than gals, which at that time i avoided gals and mixed with guys instead...i liked something in them and i wanted something that came out from there, i also wanted to do something now with someone i know 2yrs back... for those who read my blog, they know who is the person...

He is the one i wanna try now, hope that he is my first and last one in this circle, if we can last long enuff till the end of time, that would be great if cannot then that's it, i am not fated to be with him... To some, guys must love gals, but in another point of views, guys and gals are the same... differs by their sex organs, i wanted him not becuz of sexual sensations but of the love that started off from the hearts... When i first met him i already got a funny feelings that i nv had before.... I waited and nv dare to tell him till recently but now i wish to say something here, str8 ppl dun feel digusting, gays dun put in too much hope, friends and pals, dun worry too much i know my limits....

LESTER I LOVE U....

thx to someone, who is there to support mi....

2006-05-23T00:28:00.000+08:00

i am chatting with S-Ling.... She was right, if i know my past well, i would have no fallen back juz by a small feed from someone or something... This dun kills mi but instead is a kinda food given to mi for a longer distance to walk ahead in front of mi. Lester gave mi his kiss which i asked for 2yrs back, so what??? But at least, it fed mi with sweets that i wanted 2yrs back first and last will be from him. If i ever get a gf, i will onli dote him on as a brother, brother means brother, no further thoughts. Maybe i dun have a same blood brother in this life, so i make some mistake everywhere now and den... That is why i made a mistake. I really hope that for HER sake, and my future sake, i wish to be a straight, not wish but wanna be straight for sure.

She knocked some sense into mi, she can be considered my ex lar. Though lots of gays wish that i am one but too bad , i might be their friend but somehow there is a limit to my courage and my thoughts and my way of life. I can be so damn dull to be someone faithful to my religion, i can also be so wild that i made my parents and friends worried abt my safety. I nv had thought that, so many ppl around mi are worried abt mi. That time, i told him that i want more, it seems that i am greedy, and forever blinded by my greed, no wonder buddhism name it as a one f the evil roots and is true. Though the society is not so open for gay relationship but it proofs one thing, not all a compatible to be a gay, i am not one for sure.

Though i can appreciate them for what they have, what they ask for, what they want, but what i have, i am is given by my past karma and also my parents' sperm and eggs in my mother's womb or ovalry.... I have no one to blame except myself, i cannot control what i want in myself. I ask for this and that, but come to think of it, am i able to swallow or digest all in one go??? I muz be too greedy to do it. I really hope that this time round or is a muz that i make up my mind to what i had agreed to do for her... and him for the last time. I MUZ BE MORE MAN SO THAT ppl will not think i am sissy, or what lar... den i should talk less to create less troubles or troubles free and also a gf which i will asked for. So that i can have my dreams fulfilled one by one den...

Isn't it sounds good??? Den i no nid to make another colin and something, instead is COLIN LOH and MRS LOH.... HAHA.... thanks ling, if not i will nv think of what i want also... Million thanks... will always think of u de.... :P

New life??? Oh gosh

2006-05-16T14:21:00.000+08:00

2 yrs back, i got something for him but nv dared to say it to him... but 2 yrs later, i gave it to him... But i nv say anything much, may it be juz a fill for mi to walk a longer distance or something else bah. I really hope that i can have the courage to be like toshiyaki and ricky, colin and kero to be so courageous and also loving among themselves.

I dun deny that i still like guys, but i think is a some sort of grown within me, my hormones or genes are grown with it. It can't be helped but i am trying hard to maintain it as a bi... I chose to be discreet but sooner or later lots of ppl will came to know that. i dun deny that i still like lester, almost got the urge to take him as my dear, but i am not financially reach, i dun have a place for him to stay over at my house, i realli scared that i cannot give out that kinda much for him. Even he dun mind but i mind becuz i dun want him to suffer, though he got his hopes and ambitions and wishes lar. I hope that he can be mine. See i am dreaming again.

2yrs ago in 2004 when i juz know him, i got the same feelings. 2006, 2yrs later at the similar timing, i met him and we done something further but i juz could not accept the fact that i am a bi again. I thought that even i am a bi, my ratio between gals and guys is 7:3. But end up no lo... think of my parents, i think gonna be so in deep grief if i am realli a gay for the next 10yrs, i will be having a big problem becuz i am THE ONLY CHILD and i am a son not a daughter... at least got the least responsibilities to take care of them and respect them. I realli nid to get someone to talk to, maybe visit the venerable at my temple asap before my mind jumbles again...

2006-05-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

Finally juz now i let go of myself from SL le.... is a gal pls not a guy...

I finally find back the place where i wanna go in life le.... Got back as a friend with her, she does not wanna hurt mi twice, but nvm lo... it actually works well in the first place, juz that i dunno how to improve and treasure what i have in hand.

What if i like guys what if i like gals??? does it means that i am a bi for this life and not a bi for my past few lifetimes i or i am juz pure new guy from outerspace here to learn things on this earth??? So what's on earth install for mi??? All abt life politics, love, family, friendship??

Tml will my day at repent my bad karma i did for the past 1 mth to 1 yr or 1 lifetime... i hope that tml will be a good new day for mi i really hope so, everything will start afresh... A gay a bi or a str8, will depends on my stability of my heart... hope everything will be fine...

2006-05-03T16:53:00.000+08:00

time passes so fast, now it is 2nd day i am in KL.... think i am gonna miss my days spent here with my guys in KL... though is only 2 of them but the feeling is so shiok... Since den i always say i am the only child, the previous incident where i like someone are juz all lust.... it has been correct that i dun suits here since i do not engage in some activities..... u all know the disgusting parts lar... but i juz want someone to take care of like a brother or sister to mi... a person to occupy my heart is like totally different lo... i wanna get someone that is so special that i can give out all my love for her.... i got one initially but i let it slipped off, thinking back i am totally.......... Now i am exhausted, i cannot always depend on my friends only wat, those who have bf or gf, they also nid to accompany them de mah... how can i depend on them for life??? Till the day i die, no rite???

Initially something happened last nite, i thought it is something bad that i will nv had a chance to come again but in the end, prayers answered, to maintain it, i juz gotta keep things to myself lo.... Things that are told to mi are not to be leaked to others den??? Den who shld i tell in future??? I am thinking of it this way, typing it out followed by printing it if got the chance den keep it in a book, it is juz like telling a secret that no one knows till someone opens of see it...

Lonely is always lonely i feels so empty that i wanna have xiaoling back, it is like so far no ones gives me the feeling of love like this lo....

On tuesday i thought that i had no feelings at all but actually still have, becuz the 2 guys are still quarrelling, cold war something like that, there are things that they told mi but after some moments of thoughts i find that is better to keep it to myself, i want them to be happy as i wanna go back to KL in future to visit them again with of cos my kor...

den on wednesday, we go to cybercafe all of us playing maplestory for the whole day??? OMG!!! but nvm i am so happy with maple... at least

den on wednesday is consider the 2nd last day, we plan to go genting but we cancelled it to sunway pyramid, we walk and walk, den war and war den i think and think, till at night, the final destination at ipoh road for prawn noodles, den they go talk again, 5min later come back and shoot, den 10min later dun care liao... whoa okay that is fast but at least that is the way i want but i juz dunno how to win ppl heart back... i feel so sad that i am not as daring as them doing the kinda love that goes beyond the ethics....

I learnt that, there is always and end to everything, though is short but is fruitfull this time, i wanna hug him but i dun mind that i did not hug him becuz i got a photo with him. At least i dun feel that grief anymore... There is nothing as love that ends easily, is the matter we wanna put in effort or not....
There will be always a continuation to it as long as we maintain it the right way.... Alway sweet and sour and also sorrows but we have to say it out and settle it.... These are our lessons learn as we grow up and also how it shld be done in love too.... I will nv regret that i nv take u as a bro but i regret that i nv try out this relationship in the past but i dun mind... becuz i know i made the right choice....

To be continued

2006-04-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

Days and weeks ever since i last posted my entry... Think i had nothing to write as i got a friend to talk to a week ago... But now he is in BMTC 2 at Tekong, no one to talk to how??? Talk to the blog lo....

So the story goes like this... things are going well, nothing much though my mouth is a bit big... Den now i am going to KL soon again, hopes that nothing happens now.... While watching the show by those project superstars. I was in deep regret that i gave up on a gal i once had feelings on.... while chatting with ricky the day before, i told him that i am a bit on the regret side where i wanna get her back lo... i misses her alot... i am deeply in grief that i want her back... but shld i forget everything and juz go on, maybe there is someone out there better than her??? i wonder why... i realli wanna cry, as it feels sour and pain deep inside...

2006-04-15T01:45:00.000+08:00

It is totally rubbish lo... I know a guy for a mth plus... all along he asked mi go his house... i rejected him, i go ask him out he bz, he ask mi out can i ask him out cannot.... funny rite?? den worst still i today work morning shift, till 5pm, i sms him, he instead of reply mi saying he not free, he says that he dun like mi for the sake that i dunno how to groom myself to look better n flaky skin and dirty teeth... Den worst still is that mi and his personality dun click. He minds my looks, i am poor, not as wealthy as him and not as high class as him.. SO wat??? I am happy with my friends around me at least they dun feel that bad, although i know my attitude sux at times, pardon mi for such attitude....

At times i wonder ppl go for my looks or character. Though i rarely have ppl who clicks with mi but i am glad to have a pal since secondary sch who clicks with mi. I feels so sad that i neglected him for the past 2 yrs, sorry pal really put u aside but who ask u move to boon lay so far from mi....

anyway that guy i nv wanna know him as he go for looks, frames ( not fame but bit of fame too) and also $$$... so money minded for wat... Those ppl who dun give a damn on money issues and items, they knows that money dun comes to u when u 1st step on this world and will nv be able to bring it with u when u die.... The only things that bring along with u is our memory lane. A lane where happiness, saddess stays.... so does your friendship, family relationship, brotherhood and many more.... I nv neglect this, no matter how u look as long u are a good person can liao but of cos age gap does matters....

Suddenly out of this i recalled a gal, call SL, she sort of let mi grew up a little, at the least i know what went wrong, i hope that she is feeling well emotionally. Hope her life is going smooth now... BUT my wish is still get her back, i really hope to be with her. Sadly saying that i have no qualities to suit her, but i am realli happy that i am able to hold her hands at least without any regrets. So angry and sad that i wish to cry it out, hope it will be better tml bah.... cya and elton pls tag here thx.... all guys also pls...:) love ya guys, i dun kiss but i hug.... hugz everyone...

2006-04-04T14:30:00.000+08:00

been jumping 2 blogs for the last 2 yrs.... Think i will juz focus on xanga and blogspot here bah where blogdrive will be my stepping stone... Looking back, i feels that is like a memory lane where my growth had started.

In secondary school, lifestyle was so black like anybody's the most darkest lane and time ever. I was outcast by some people but still some are my friends always. Though religions gives mi a motivational force but still i need to find a life of my own, a place where i could merge myself in and also people can merge it.

My first secret admirer is a gal i know in poly yr 1, it lasted for half a yr till christmas i still got such feelings. I remember that when i see her, the feelings in me is like totally out of control i could just try all ways to win her heart over. But end up i let it off becuz it does not belongs to mi...

Life is so vague and also plain over the 3 yrs in poly... any kinda love and crush comes and go till i wanna die or go be a monk... Have a total line break between the love life and religious life... Oh gosh am i thinking something bad???

Or maybe this could be a better one among all times.

Time after time, i wonder when will i ever had something that i always wanted.... think is better to leave it like that rather than anything else bah....

how long have i been here???

2005-06-27T19:08:00.002+08:00

This is the day where i really wanna sing my hearts out, although is juz 1 song but i wish to do it more in future.

End of the month headache, no money liao... feel like working more in one of the weeks, to get extra money or rest leh??? juz becuz i wanna clear my friend's 850 bucks damage for his lappy. Today come nagging at mi for the money, but i dun feel happy with his attitude in chasing mi the attitude... fuck him la... say i give him this kind of attitude, his attitude is worst lor... even i owe him, nv give him, still want mi to give him the money, can gimme a better attitude... i might think of forking the money out for him....

Haiz, who ask my life so bitter... how i wish my money could return him asap, while planning to go hk, i might as well think of working more days in a week, so i can rest well and study well.

Staying at home is not a good solution, work too much is not a good solution too and play too much is the worst solution lor....

I wanna be like how jay chou got himself a gf, and that gf muz be like her so pretty de... Am i day dreaming or wat?? I think is normal, rather than mi thinking of guys again, holding their hands again, kissing their lips and hugging them like ppl hugging their gf. Now dunno what to do, so dull and boring, only know how to work and work and study and play... juz for the dream of going hk, japan and australia...haha so many dreams, dunno how to make it dream come true sia....

2005-02-28T14:35:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

2005-01-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

You are 78% Bisexual

How bisexual are you?
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