L; Tuesday, May 23, 2006 ♥
i am chatting with S-Ling.... She was right, if i know my past well, i would have no fallen back juz by a small feed from someone or something... This dun kills mi but instead is a kinda food given to mi for a longer distance to walk ahead in front of mi. Lester gave mi his kiss which i asked for 2yrs back, so what??? But at least, it fed mi with sweets that i wanted 2yrs back first and last will be from him. If i ever get a gf, i will onli dote him on as a brother, brother means brother, no further thoughts. Maybe i dun have a same blood brother in this life, so i make some mistake everywhere now and den... That is why i made a mistake. I really hope that for HER sake, and my future sake, i wish to be a straight, not wish but wanna be straight for sure.
She knocked some sense into mi, she can be considered my ex lar. Though lots of gays wish that i am one but too bad , i might be their friend but somehow there is a limit to my courage and my thoughts and my way of life. I can be so damn dull to be someone faithful to my religion, i can also be so wild that i made my parents and friends worried abt my safety. I nv had thought that, so many ppl around mi are worried abt mi. That time, i told him that i want more, it seems that i am greedy, and forever blinded by my greed, no wonder buddhism name it as a one f the evil roots and is true. Though the society is not so open for gay relationship but it proofs one thing, not all a compatible to be a gay, i am not one for sure.
Though i can appreciate them for what they have, what they ask for, what they want, but what i have, i am is given by my past karma and also my parents' sperm and eggs in my mother's womb or ovalry.... I have no one to blame except myself, i cannot control what i want in myself. I ask for this and that, but come to think of it, am i able to swallow or digest all in one go??? I muz be too greedy to do it. I really hope that this time round or is a muz that i make up my mind to what i had agreed to do for her... and him for the last time. I MUZ BE MORE MAN SO THAT ppl will not think i am sissy, or what lar... den i should talk less to create less troubles or troubles free and also a gf which i will asked for. So that i can have my dreams fulfilled one by one den...
Isn't it sounds good??? Den i no nid to make another colin and something, instead is COLIN LOH and MRS LOH.... HAHA.... thanks ling, if not i will nv think of what i want also... Million thanks... will always think of u de.... :P
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Tuesday, May 23, 2006]
L; Tuesday, May 16, 2006 ♥
2 yrs back, i got something for him but nv dared to say it to him... but 2 yrs later, i gave it to him... But i nv say anything much, may it be juz a fill for mi to walk a longer distance or something else bah. I really hope that i can have the courage to be like toshiyaki and ricky, colin and kero to be so courageous and also loving among themselves.
I dun deny that i still like guys, but i think is a some sort of grown within me, my hormones or genes are grown with it. It can't be helped but i am trying hard to maintain it as a bi... I chose to be discreet but sooner or later lots of ppl will came to know that. i dun deny that i still like lester, almost got the urge to take him as my dear, but i am not financially reach, i dun have a place for him to stay over at my house, i realli scared that i cannot give out that kinda much for him. Even he dun mind but i mind becuz i dun want him to suffer, though he got his hopes and ambitions and wishes lar. I hope that he can be mine. See i am dreaming again.
2yrs ago in 2004 when i juz know him, i got the same feelings. 2006, 2yrs later at the similar timing, i met him and we done something further but i juz could not accept the fact that i am a bi again. I thought that even i am a bi, my ratio between gals and guys is 7:3. But end up no lo... think of my parents, i think gonna be so in deep grief if i am realli a gay for the next 10yrs, i will be having a big problem becuz i am THE ONLY CHILD and i am a son not a daughter... at least got the least responsibilities to take care of them and respect them. I realli nid to get someone to talk to, maybe visit the venerable at my temple asap before my mind jumbles again...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Tuesday, May 16, 2006]
L; Thursday, May 11, 2006 ♥
Finally juz now i let go of myself from SL le.... is a gal pls not a guy...
I finally find back the place where i wanna go in life le.... Got back as a friend with her, she does not wanna hurt mi twice, but nvm lo... it actually works well in the first place, juz that i dunno how to improve and treasure what i have in hand.
What if i like guys what if i like gals??? does it means that i am a bi for this life and not a bi for my past few lifetimes i or i am juz pure new guy from outerspace here to learn things on this earth??? So what's on earth install for mi??? All abt life politics, love, family, friendship??
Tml will my day at repent my bad karma i did for the past 1 mth to 1 yr or 1 lifetime... i hope that tml will be a good new day for mi i really hope so, everything will start afresh... A gay a bi or a str8, will depends on my stability of my heart... hope everything will be fine...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Thursday, May 11, 2006]
L; Wednesday, May 03, 2006 ♥
time passes so fast, now it is 2nd day i am in KL.... think i am gonna miss my days spent here with my guys in KL... though is only 2 of them but the feeling is so shiok... Since den i always say i am the only child, the previous incident where i like someone are juz all lust.... it has been correct that i dun suits here since i do not engage in some activities..... u all know the disgusting parts lar... but i juz want someone to take care of like a brother or sister to mi... a person to occupy my heart is like totally different lo... i wanna get someone that is so special that i can give out all my love for her.... i got one initially but i let it slipped off, thinking back i am totally.......... Now i am exhausted, i cannot always depend on my friends only wat, those who have bf or gf, they also nid to accompany them de mah... how can i depend on them for life??? Till the day i die, no rite???
Initially something happened last nite, i thought it is something bad that i will nv had a chance to come again but in the end, prayers answered, to maintain it, i juz gotta keep things to myself lo.... Things that are told to mi are not to be leaked to others den??? Den who shld i tell in future??? I am thinking of it this way, typing it out followed by printing it if got the chance den keep it in a book, it is juz like telling a secret that no one knows till someone opens of see it...
Lonely is always lonely i feels so empty that i wanna have xiaoling back, it is like so far no ones gives me the feeling of love like this lo....
On tuesday i thought that i had no feelings at all but actually still have, becuz the 2 guys are still quarrelling, cold war something like that, there are things that they told mi but after some moments of thoughts i find that is better to keep it to myself, i want them to be happy as i wanna go back to KL in future to visit them again with of cos my kor...
den on wednesday, we go to cybercafe all of us playing maplestory for the whole day??? OMG!!! but nvm i am so happy with maple... at least
den on wednesday is consider the 2nd last day, we plan to go genting but we cancelled it to sunway pyramid, we walk and walk, den war and war den i think and think, till at night, the final destination at ipoh road for prawn noodles, den they go talk again, 5min later come back and shoot, den 10min later dun care liao... whoa okay that is fast but at least that is the way i want but i juz dunno how to win ppl heart back... i feel so sad that i am not as daring as them doing the kinda love that goes beyond the ethics....
I learnt that, there is always and end to everything, though is short but is fruitfull this time, i wanna hug him but i dun mind that i did not hug him becuz i got a photo with him. At least i dun feel that grief anymore... There is nothing as love that ends easily, is the matter we wanna put in effort or not....
There will be always a continuation to it as long as we maintain it the right way.... Alway sweet and sour and also sorrows but we have to say it out and settle it.... These are our lessons learn as we grow up and also how it shld be done in love too.... I will nv regret that i nv take u as a bro but i regret that i nv try out this relationship in the past but i dun mind... becuz i know i made the right choice....
To be continued
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Wednesday, May 03, 2006]
