L; Friday, June 30, 2006 ♥
so boring, how abt come another entry???
I recently find that i got not much things happening around mi, but actually yes, juz that i kept it low....
this happens during my staff fund function... i realli like it alot lo... how i wish that it happens more frequently as in i can hug the person i like, all the time or most of the time lar... i realli hopes that it happens lar... i wanted to enjoy the warmth of a person...
The thing that i am still confused is that i enjoy huggings, i like hugs, but i dunno what kinda hugs and the motive in it is what...
But for sure is that, i gotta hug this guy i wish to know for a long time le... hope that this will be a memorable nite for us...
How i wish i realli could have a chance to get myself attached with the gender the one and only that i prefer... I had enuff of going round and round in this darkness.... I am feeling sour in my heart why typing this entry... When looking at the things i done, i find that i am happy for that, but the happiness is for that moment of time only.... I want it to follow mi with such happiness for a lifetime, at least for this lifetime if i am not that greedy...
That is sandy, she is a nice lady, she is my supervisor when i am working in ntuc... we used to talk a lot, she can get along easily.... How i wish i am older than her where i can go chase after her.... If i am not that high class of her size, i will be chasing her liao.... but too bad, she is older than mi and she prefer older guys and she treats mi like a little bro, so what to do??? so freak off for mi and drop that idea....
-------------------------------
Next up is for today's, i went out for lunch and came back home, preparing to go out with my father for his friend's daughter wedding dinner... okay fair enuff, i saw a few guys i wanna know but dun dare to ask becuz they are the waiter, den i was thinking, am i siding that kid or wat, my father and those uncles wanna scold him, yet i kept quiet and look at him doing work....
I find that i am losing control again, i like the feeling of being with guys and den i saw the couple, the sista and her husband, the dinner look so okay lo... so so lo... but den i emotions fluctuates again... I feeling like crying lo, i see pics of 2 guys together so loving, den i see ppl of one family, so united and so caring for the childrens i wanna hae that.... I feeling like crying when my heart is so sour... i wanna cry out, but hard to, not even a single weep that i can weep out...even in one corner i wanna cry out also cannot.... i tell ppl not to cry over small things yet i am the one crying...... I wanna know what is going on in mi i nid a solution....
Love is what i seek for but i dare not face it... wonder why i dun dare to face it when i wish to have it.... scared that i will lose it if i dun treasure it??? haiz.... think carry on later bah....
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Friday, June 30, 2006]
L; Friday, June 23, 2006 ♥
i have no idea what to write again... shagz ah... think i blog what i had thought and did for the past few weeks bah... For the past one week, i've been slacking as per normal and working on the same few days... Thinking abt the same thing again and again to improve it since most of my friends are not free and not in singapore island... What it means? on holidays? no lar, they on their BMT liao, at Pulau Tekong liao... Mine will be here soon on 21st july....
Den on monday, 19/6/2006, 2.30pm, i got a bloody complain, out of no where.... out of the blue lor, say my attitude bad, i keep quiet means bad lar, den those who speaks like a hog or shouts at u is call good attitude lar.... testing my patience??? my patience is damn good, i nv ever dare to talk back becuz i know i nv win them, end up gotta drink tea with manager which he asked mi why i wanna do it....... I do wat??? Did he know, is by word of mouth by supervisor and also customer, did they ever think of my feelings??? I was blamed for nothing and that words being put into my mouth for nothing, den forget it bah, in future dun let it happen again........ NEVER EVER gonna let it happened again... Fed up with the person who sits at the top in the branch. Hate him for life...
As for my personal life plans, think i gonna stay in these roles for him, LESTER, a bro + bf + close friend + soulmate.... can kiss+hug+hold hands de.... think no diff nowadays bah... colin and kero can do it, why i cannot... anyway, i planned to get a gf, when is the deadline, no idea, let time decide for mi bah, since i am not that stable in my thoughts, juz let time do the job den... If i ever rush it, i will nv get the one i wants. If i ever let it slip off again, think i will nv get it again...
Anyone who is reading my entries, i think some are regulars, juz read the following....
To start a relationship is fun and ez, juz say i love u, i want u to be my bf/gf can??? they say yes, it started...
To maintain it==> hmm, think is a bit difficult esp when u hold him/her tightly that they have no time to breathe or rest... haha, think i wanna die of anger and stress, i did try it before u know, start and end so fast that i still cannot get over.... but as time passes, it will juz slipped into your memory lane....
To end it, say ez is not ez, difficult is not difficult.... when sometimes, cannot get along, the phrase is " let's break up"....whoa.... heart break liao, hit the floor ah, knock your head on to the wall ah, and many more actions come out liao... omg, think u can go and die bah.... break up only, is not even your death of your family members or relatives lo.... so fast wanna die, u think your family happy??? they more sad lo... see u in this state....
How to make it a good relationship, give each other the kinda freedom u can and not control it like the dog at your home, the fishes in your tank and so on... freedom is what they want, attention is also needed, no attention means good luck den.... small gifts and surprises also good for them ma... who say no good... nv try how u know???
one sided love, i tried it so many times le, go see my histories bah..., u will see that when i fantasize, it is my one sided love story, one sided love won't hurt anyone but yourself... it gets u into troubles, stress and also problems that ppl might hate u for what u are.... u wanted love but end up is hate, u think is good??? i dun think is good.... i think u might as well juz outcast mi bah... anyway, whoever reads this, pls tag to give comments.... it might or might not help mi but it might help others... do tag and bye...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Friday, June 23, 2006]
L; Thursday, June 08, 2006 ♥
These few days or weeks, i feels that i have been doing quite lonely, slack and also a waste of time... I wasted 12hours on sleeping, then the balance 12 hours i juz wasted it off... And soon 21st july my enlistment day is to come, oh my god i feeling so.... excited yet bored, becuz my friend juz came back from passing out liao, den a few of them enlisted le, left about 1 or 2 have enlisted liao. I find that some things in me is getting aroused moment to moment.... My sexuality when coming to a relationship, i am so eager to get into one yet i am so eager to get out of this sexuality issue....
Ms sanz, u know who u are, u asked mi abt what i mean but i am not straight liao... Answer is simple, i am a bisexual, half brokeback mountain.... if that is the case u still dun understand i also dunno how to explain....
It is something inborn of mi which started developing in mi after pri 6.... i started looking at guys more than gals, which at that time i avoided gals and mixed with guys instead...i liked something in them and i wanted something that came out from there, i also wanted to do something now with someone i know 2yrs back... for those who read my blog, they know who is the person...
He is the one i wanna try now, hope that he is my first and last one in this circle, if we can last long enuff till the end of time, that would be great if cannot then that's it, i am not fated to be with him... To some, guys must love gals, but in another point of views, guys and gals are the same... differs by their sex organs, i wanted him not becuz of sexual sensations but of the love that started off from the hearts... When i first met him i already got a funny feelings that i nv had before.... I waited and nv dare to tell him till recently but now i wish to say something here, str8 ppl dun feel digusting, gays dun put in too much hope, friends and pals, dun worry too much i know my limits....
LESTER I LOVE U....
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Thursday, June 08, 2006]
