L; Saturday, September 30, 2006 ♥
hmm, what a boring saturday, maybe i shall do a bit of blogging...
Long before 21st july 2006, there is this guy named colin loh... he has no sense of direction at that point of time, low self-esteem and pride as well. So before his ns, he has no sense of direction, always there is things in his mind that he wanna do, yet he dun dare to do. So upon enlistment, he was so sad that he got lots of things unable to fufill his dreams...
So today is 30th september, exactly 28 days more to 21yr old for mi... Lots of feelings to be said or mentioned in this chapter 21 of colin's life... realli lo...
There is about a prequisites of 15 chapters down the road to say. Still the chapter is planned in advance like a story book, but the real thing is still to be played by me... Now i juz wanna have these birthday wish...
Since i told myself that i am a bi, maybe for them they know what i will do liao, and some might not know....
It is good for mi to have the feel of it of how isit like to have a bf. But eventually if possible, by age of 25, i wish to be a straight guy once again and for the rest of my life... Have a gf and form a family after with 2 childrens at least... Becuz of a kinda filial piety for my parents, becuz they nv stop mi from doing anything and i nv let them know of what i am doing... So in appreciation, i wish to give them such returns of what they had given me all these years. Having a bf is like having a brother who can be by my side at times of sad and happy times. In order to get my eternal happiness, i muz achieve what i had planned ahead of mi. SO we shall see how it goes lar...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Saturday, September 30, 2006]
L; Wednesday, September 27, 2006 ♥
Think it is juz another crush bah... since i cannot get what i want from them, then i will just have to give it up den... I know myself, i cannot do it, it is not meant for mi.... There is this guy call S J Lee, he sort of wanna play gay with mi, but he had moved my heart slightly... Think soon enuff, i will juz fall back...
Met up with a guy call marcus, he is a friend of my ex-company 2IC's friend... so coincidence, nv expect that to happen lo... But still, friends are friends, nv will i fall into such things unless fate gave mi so...
Upon saying fate allows mi, i wondering, what had i done in my past lives making myself feel so miserably sad... Can see cannot know them more... why am i limiting myself such way, can't i juz get back my friendly side???
and for the ANDREW LOW, KINDLY STOP YOUR JOKES SOME DAY BEFORE I BITE BACK.... This is no joke, it is hitting my limit soon, u better stop or else i will give drastic reactions... Becuz i had sort of enuff of the jokes liao, joke can joke but pls know the limit. U had juz hit the limit and soon my patiences will juz blast off...
After reading marcus blog, it came to my mind that they are loving... As for mi, it still in a maze, like the route for mi to learn my ammunition like that, lost like hell... I got feeling for andrew, but nv dare to accept it... I love lester as a brother, yet i giving him more than i should give... Why isit so??? I am getting mad soon liao lar.. somebody help mi... this pain is killing mi le lar... now it is on my own liao... Simple life --> simple man... Things are good to know and some is a need to know whereas some things are need not to be known. Why should be in such a situation? Am i too busybody or curious to go find out what i shld know or do? I feel like crying yet tears are dried as usual. Mother say want mi and my father co-owner to get a new unit, dunno to be happy or sad... 21yr old soon liao, yet still no sense of direction, no one is there to guide mi.... i nid a guide.... i wish to have a lover, gal or guy, i wanna have a feel of it... pls buddha or heaven, can give mi one person who can love mi and give mi a support plus directions? realli lost in civilian life, during work, i know what i shld do, but after work, i dunno, muz i be a workaholic or juz a normal guy out there who can have fun while in their workload???
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Wednesday, September 27, 2006]
L; Thursday, September 21, 2006 ♥
Haiz, colin is back for reporting again... sian sia... dunno how to start off...
thank u veri much guys for promoting mi as a bi, or 302.50... freaking feeling lo... let the whole world know i bi, what the hell lo...
Recently i was posted to safac for training to be a spec in that unit... den i saw this guy since day 1 which is monday... till now i see him i wanna know him, den my ex-platoon mates know him as he is a smoker, den these few days i see him, he see mi, but i dun dare to open my mouth and tell him i wanna know him, den those friends come ask mi abt bisexual things, i answer lar, but i juz wanna be a simple man, who can have a gf as a companion, i know myself, i like guys too but i cannot be together with them wat... becuz that is my rule of the game... knowing is another matter, liking is another matter, sexual sensation is another matter... so what can i say???
i used to have this thinking of hugging and leaning against a man's chest... so does holding hands... but ever since i had a bgr for juz pathetic 4 days, i rather choose a hug and also a chest to lean on will do le... becuz i am still a man to protect my lover, lifetime companion, if time and environment allows, i wanna have a family with 2 children.... i dun wish my family to be like mi, so lonely for life and even the child turning to be a gay also no one knows...
I once asked buddha to guide mi thru, but now, he gave mi a few ppl to test on mi, now is out to test becuz in camp, got one cpl is like shane den another trainee is out to lure mi into the hook... if i am able to pass this things, i feels tht i nid a support from a man, to give mi a push... and a women to support mi from behind, as this will build my family form instead...
i dun ask for sex but i ask for eternal happiness... i dunno how to find that or where to find it sia... hope that someone is able to guy mi thru...
I adopted this baby boi as i almost fall for him, but i know that he will not accept mi, but to ease my temptation for him, i adopted him as my baby boi... so like that lo.... sad to say rite but no choice... as for andrew, not the shortie in my platoon... but andrew, u know yourself, if u happen to read it, i hope that we can still keep in contact... i dun wish to lose ppl like them who can realli give mi advices and support behind mi... without them i wonder where i am now... maybe in imh or still somewhere in the fantasy of love... maybe still in a confused stage???
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Thursday, September 21, 2006]
L; Wednesday, September 13, 2006 ♥
I feels that i am rotting my days again... Block leave si bei sian, always can rot all over de... why ah... 12 noon and i am doing nothing... Later go out and eat lunch den see how lar... Maybe go to the seaside again, last time in camp, got time can look at the sea, now cannot le, so might thought of going out to seaside again...
So troubled but at least i found something last nite. No kisses and puppy love in this circle, becuz i know my personalities, characters and taste. I will not be able to find true love in this circle. No true love i can find here de lar...
Thanks to baby boi... he realli knows how to help mi out when i am in a troubled state. Thank u, though u nid to go for course and i will go to my unit next week. I hope that we still maintain what we supposed to be, though somethings u cannot give but the least i can expect from u is a friendship and a hand of support when i am in need of it. Though nothing much is given, but i appreciate that u are someone who can accompany and care for mi when i wants.
As for lester, still the same from the previous entry, when i reach the limit means limit, dun ask too much from mi before i bite.... And this bite is not ordinary bite, this bite can make u cry for no reason lo... i will guarantee that this bite will leave a scar in your heart forever... dun believe, try mi, that time it will be like bryan chow, which will leave my heart silently...
Think i will end here lar, continue again another time...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Wednesday, September 13, 2006]
L; Tuesday, September 12, 2006 ♥
Why am i always like that??? Even in ns le, still got the bloody feelings of being lost in outer space... I really cannot control this feelings in an oderly manner lo...
Yesterday went for mj, i thought i would always think of lester but now is samuel... I rather maintain it as a buddy that a lover... he is a nice guy, i wanna hug him or him lending mi a shoulder to lean on whenever i want it... But i am sure he can make a good buddy but nt a lover... Lover/stead/wife/lifetime partner.... these means the same thing to mi... for now, 2yrs down the road, i dun dare to think so much at the moment becuz i will ORD in 23, where the age is still young ahead of mi, so now juz do what i nid to do in NS. after that fuck off and work with big money or study.... I have a diploma in hand so i am not scared of not having a job, so does my experience in work... But now i am inexperienced in love... i nv wanna feel hurt or i want to be hurt by someone...
Damn down and confused by the gust of love winds in front of mi... 1 more mth to my birthday and that is my 21st birthday... I have a key that has a heart on it, hope that this key can give mi a hand. I chose it myself and my mum bought it for mi... Hope that the key can guide mi to where i want in life...
I want a him and a her.... But still have to choose one, hope by ORD, i know who to choose... hope the someone read liao do give mi a supporting hand...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Tuesday, September 12, 2006]
L; Friday, September 08, 2006 ♥
Haha, funny topic again for mi... for some, this topic is nothing to them... but now this qn is not aiming on others but myself...
This afternoon i called lester up... I am veri disappointed in him... A man shld do what a man shld do, in my case i thought i can be his support so can he, but now it seems that i am the one supporting him rather than him come supporting mi by giving mi a hand. Mr samuel soon and some other friends, i realli appreciate that u guys actually given mi a support and also a hand. That is realli touching, i dunno how to repay such actions that is offered by u guys out there... how i wish i can juz give a hug??? No kisses, that is for gals i shld say by now after my BMT... Though OC always says use love, but love have to be used wisely lo...
Life is so frustrating that we at times have no idea of what to do and where to head next lo...
This is for lester:
Lester i know i care for u juz like a brother to u, at times i cross over the line and become a person more than a brother. U know a bi has more than one character or attitudes towards love and i am no different that i do have some confused and curious feelings towards ppl at times. Yes i do enjoy the cuddling and also the kissing, but it does ease mi for once but not forever. I cannot always recharge it by do it with u. I have my aims for now and that is finish my NS and go out to work and make a living and also to make myself a better Colin. Colin is beginning to change from a boy to a MAN. So u better change from a boi to a MAN too... We all have cocks, 1 asshole and 2 eyes, we are no diff. If u wish to be an aj forever, no one is stopping u but u are a man, a male.... Regardless u top or btm, i wish that u got the kinda courage to stand up and let go of everything that is bothering u.... No one is able to let it off at one go, i had nv rush u to do so or even scolded u for not letting off.... All i want to see is the smallest effort that is presented from u... Hope that if u happen to read this, give mi a msg over my msn or my phone.
Life is nv easy, i had gone thru my 7 weeks modified bmt with minimal fluctuations. hope that your life ahead can be done too... Anything juz come to mi as a man and not a girly man... i dun like such person...
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Friday, September 08, 2006]
L; Sunday, September 03, 2006 ♥
In BMT we have something call AAR, now i shld have a end of sch review with myself....
These few weeks was not a rather tough training but is rather a fun and enjoying training module for us. Though some trainings are meant to be tough, but den my endurance is more on mental aspect....
So back to a summary of what i had done for the past few weeks. When i was in tekong, nothing much came to attack mi except for my bad mangement in my emotions. This can cause a mild depression on mi. It is not a problem, i enjoyed myself in the camp during the recruits evening and it is den relieved now. Den after that, recalled back, there is some spooky things happened to mi. Still gotta take it as nothing has happened. As told by ven. xian hui, she says that, even if i see it, juz recite the buddha name and transference of merits to them....
So in short, see also take it as nv see.... that things aside lar...
So now i sort of gonna miss my platoon mates and bunk mates, so fast 7 weeks passes by like a gust of wind. I remembered that i am about to change into a new colin but now... yesterday made mi feels that i have not worked hard enough, i wanna be a bi, forever a bi and not a gay.... Ideally will be a straight guy, but like no hope lo... see how bah, dun be gay i am happy enuff le...
Went to comex with a net friend followed by meeting my friends, i find that it is always myself with i am with my friends, though sometimes they cannot tolerate of what i am... and Ulysses platoon mates, if u guys happens to read my blog, dun be shock that i am a bi, even if i am a bi, i wun eat u guys up, i promise that, in future do keep in contact k???
don't you dare un'L' me.
never.
rooting for
DEATHNOTE no matter what.
look at that 'L'ly smile.♥
[Sunday, September 03, 2006]
