L; Friday, April 10, 2009 ♥

basically, my life is up to a full stop for the olden days. Nth much to update recently. Juz a good nice ending to the past with a nice quarrel with someone over a small issue. BUT BUT BUT... it will not affect my life to the worst a single bit. Why is it so? Becuz firstly, i dun have to live under a scenario where i am to be superly mindful of my free speech and expressions. I dun have to be unhappy and so on.

So now i am in the process of starting my life afresh. Right from start again or i should say, make a small change now.

I managed to see that there are still friends who cares and concerned about my life... if not i dunno where i will be or some other stuffs...

L; Tuesday, March 10, 2009 ♥

L; Saturday, January 17, 2009 ♥

In a few days time, it will be cny. i realli feel the intense feeling over the days mths and yrs. for the past 1yr, quite tough but i realli find that, it is time that i let go all the troubled feelings. Start all a fresh.


the one that i once loved, is loving someone, okay. happy for him, hope this person can do a good job by taking good care of him. At the least i know that he is happy. he have to take good care of himself also lo. In this case when he falls, who else is to take care of them?

When i see him in tubes, it reminds mi of the pain i had last time. I went for an operation at the age of 11. i was in icu for 4 days before i was transferred to normal ward. All these are of bad past where stress level comes in.


Yrs after this, i got gastric ulcer. this exp is veri painful too. den 1yr later, admitted due to bleed in my gastric again. done blood transfussion and diagnosed to mild depression. took medicine for abt half a yr, and recovered. Over the yrs till now, i tried to keep myself happy but i am still a bit of anti-social.

Sometimes i juz dunno how to love myself.

2 songs i love most.

madonna - hey you. a friend recommend this to mi. he wants mi to listen to the lyrics. Yes it is very meaningful and is a must for mi to do it.

whitney houston - greatest love of all. This song is a song i once sang in kindergarden graduation night. when i was 6yr old. SO long yet i still remember. LOL>.... when i read thru the lyrics, it is a veri meaningful song especially for the childrens. There are parts of the lyrics that goes like this,

Chorus:
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all


So i shall move on for a greater heights in 2009. Of cuz.. die die muz fulfill my hopes for bachelor of sci in psychology. either JCU or ECU....

L; Tuesday, December 16, 2008 ♥

At this time of the night, most people are snoring their way to lala land, while i am still struggling a way out to sleep. Why? in my mind i have a few thoughts.

Juz now i went to visit my godma in hospital, who is my grandaunt in the past now my godma. SO at the same time i met my cousin. She was asking if i got a gf, den i told her, i dun have gf, waiting for u to intro mi. Den she say, mine are too old for u le lar....

Den i tell her, u muz be glad that i din find myself a bf. SHe say, dun make your mother sad leh. I was thinking, which is my true self? gay bi or straight

i am now plainly a confused guy out in the air, now a confused wondering if in future am i still a confused guy? my answer is a yes and a no. No as in i am not a confused guy but yes to i know so much but still i dunno which i belong to or wanna go.

Haiz... enough of such tragedy, think i had enough of it le lar.. hopefully 2009 is not as bad as 2008 although i got a veri strong feeling that things will re-enact once again in 2009.



Theme for this post: Are u the giving party or receiving party?


Recently i have received lots and lots of lectures, sermons or even dharma talks about this topic. So i had been the giving out party which result myself in getting hurt. Actually not really hurt or scars lar. juz on a positive pt of view, it is something i have to pick up as i walk along this path towards end of life pace.

End of life is where everything comes to an end, an ending that will embrace all memories into your head.

Like a very recently notice of some guy who juz passed away. When i went thru further, it happens that i had browse thru his facebook or friendster few mths back. As i went thru further, he seems to leave a very good impression as a benchmark in everybody that he knows or get in contact and now. He is gone, but i think he had left behind a fruitful memries to all his friends.

I may feel sad for his parents, his life in this world to be so short, but i won't feel sad for his memories left behind. I wish to be like him, who is someone who leaves behind a glamourous picture for his friends. May u guys carry on his life in this world with all the memories, so that his pureland will be built for u guys alternatively with good blessings for them.

Mr Dwayne, i may not know u directly but i do know that u are one of RP students same back as mi. I saw u a few times i did browse thru your friendster. Though life is short but i do hope that there is one wish i hope to fulfill in this life. That is to create a paradise of bliss in this life so that i can be happy with the people i know i want to be with and friends that i know from monastries, temple or churches. Good pals that guided me along the way. I dun wish to lose them in any form. To u, i wish to know u in paradise. Land of bliss, i'm sure u already found your way there. 49 days, bear with it. It will be over soon. I will meet u there some day... Dharma buddies lifetime after lifetime, can it be done?

L; Sunday, December 14, 2008 ♥

So long that i last blogged. Anyway, this time to cut it short, everything was fine over the days and weeks. Everything is in track so far, hope to maintain it this way and pls no more waves that will destroy or struck my life with a heavy blow. PLS realli have to kneel down in robes and chant hard to make things go smoothly.

To share with u guys on one theology, in order to bring a msg to your dearest ppl's heart, u guys can go to the seaside to do this test. When u hear the sound of the waves, focus on it, mind think of who u hate or love. den you shout it out. Eventually or miraculously that this msg will den be transported or flow into their minds, hearts and souls.

How true is true, u guys go try out and tell mi bah....

So work life, personal life, relationship or companionship time is getting better. I dun feel so depressive as before, cuz after a week of hard work, time to relax is to see ppl whom u are happy to meet up with. So i am happy to meet up with them, i feel so relaxed instead of feeling so stressed or lonely. If i am able accept them, they shld be able to do it the same way. OKay fair enough for them to correct the bad side of mi. I am veri open and accepted it with an open heart.

No more religious views, i genna bombarded... So no pt... juz stay with my love with metta and acceptance of all religion as it is. no pt changing their components to suits mi...


next 2 weeks will be x'mas and new yr, next mth will be CNY... sianz ah, 2008 is ending and 2009 is starting, i dun wanna see things happening once again....

L; Friday, November 21, 2008 ♥

The bad thing in life is when some one so close and so dear to u suddenly left u alone. This time round is a scenario where my friend is the lead. i am juz a small little character that comes in action for her to lean on for the moment.

To love a person so deeply, when the other party say break off or leave mi alone can leave a veri big cut in the person's mind or heart. I thought i might cry together with her. Instead i stand strong by her, lend her the shoulder and she cry all her hearts out. Yah, at the least i have to portrait myself to be strong for a friend. She says that she is sorry to trouble me. But i told her, as a friend, there is nothing to be sorry.

To those out there who are my friends, especially those treated mi as friends in return or something further listen up. There is no need to say sorry or thank you. U will only need to say sorry if u had misused my kindness to u. after so many times of me approaching u, at least there is once where u realli treat mi for who i am. I am more than appreciate to say thank u to u guys instead. Cuz of my defects i nv expect people in return treating mi as friends. I always have a lower self esteem than anyone else out there.

This time, i will stand up high, and say that i am not the old COLIN for once.

Recently i gt a nick to myself, looking backwards to age 21 or looking forward to 25? Cuz the best settling down period is at the age of 28, for now to 25 is the best enjoyment period. There is a need to control but is not a compulsory requirement to do it.

People say, to love someone else u nid to love yourself first. I wanna say the following to those who reads my blog. " To love yourself in my case is to love someone else." Cuz in this case, it is my character, always caring for others where i will neglect my own welfare.

There is nothing as compared to loving the people around me for who they are.

THEY ARE BORNED TO BE IN THIS WAY BUT THEY THEMSELVES CAN BE IMPROVED OR ENHANCED OVER TIME BUT NOT TO BE CHANGED TO ANOTHER PERSON.

oh ya, forgotten something, recently i found out a new way to let the other party knows that u still love them deeply. The solution is to go to the seaside and shout out the person that u love deeply. BUT dunno how, it will eventually flow to the person's heart and things may change overtime.... note, it is one of the ways where guan yin had practiced during his days of becoming a bodhisattva.

L; Friday, November 07, 2008 ♥

I find myself so bad in christianity contexts, perhaps get back to some stuffs for the originality of it.

I had interpret wrongly abt the verse, so i shall now use some knowledge that i had learnt in the past and it is something that is so open minded that no one can say right or wrong. Cuz buddha din mentioned anything abt bringing flexibility to your life.

LOVE

The definition of love in Buddhism is: wanting others to be happy.
This love is unconditional and it requires a lot of courage and acceptance (including self-acceptance).
The "near enemy" of love, or a quality which appears similar, but is more an opposite is: conditional love (selfish love, see also the page on attachment).
The opposite is wanting others to be unhappy: anger, hatred.
A result which one needs to avoid is: attachment.

This definition means that 'love' in Buddhism refers to something quite different from the ordinary term of love which is usually about attachment, more or less successful relationships and sex; all of which are rarely without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to de-tachment and the unselfish interest in others' welfare.

'Even offering three hundred bowls of food three times a day does not match the spiritual merit gained in one moment of love.' Nagarjuna "If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue" His Holiness the Dalai Lama from 'The little book of Buddhism'

COMPASSION

The definition is: wanting others to be free from suffering.
This compassion happens when one feels sorry with someone, and one feels an urge to help.
The near enemy is pity, which keeps other at a distance, and does not urge one to help.
The opposite is wanting others to suffer, or cruelty.
A result which one needs to avoid is sentimentality.
Compassion thus refers to an unselfish, de-tached emotion which gives one a sense of urgency in wanting to help others. From a Buddhist perspective, helping others to reduce their physical or mental suffering is very good, but the ultimate goal is to extinguish all suffering by stopping the process of rebirth and the suffering that automatically comes with living (enlightenment).

The attitude of a so-called Bodhisattva is Bodhicitta: this is the ultimate compassionate motivation: the wish to liberate all sentient beings from the sufferings of cyclic existence and to become a fully enlightened Buddha oneself in order to act as the perfect guide for them.

(See also the page on compassion.)

^Top of Page

so briefly tell u why i am using this? Cuz i wanna have love and compassion for all. This is equal to all with a slight difference on how much they nid. I wonder why am i so obsessed with love nowadays, is it realli so desperate for mi to have love? I already have some practice in loving kindness(metta) le yet i am not satisfied? I think i am some kinda person who is beyond hope. No hope for mi liao le lo... Simple things yet i make it feel so complicated. But simplicity is a virtue, wondering why i always make things so complicated.

Oh Lord Buddha, please enlighten mi!!! Can someone juz give mi the enlightened opening address to this? I think i roughly know how to go about for this but den i nid to be strong, who can give mi this faith of being strong? Pek chek ah...

L; Monday, November 03, 2008 ♥

Origin of my name COLIN from the bible,

NKJV 1 corinthians 15:50-58

Our Final Victory

50 Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; nor does corruption inherit incorruption. 51 Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed— 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54 So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.”^[g]
55 “ O Death, where is your sting?^[h]
O Hades, where is your victory?”^[i]

56 The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

L; Sunday, November 02, 2008 ♥

NKJV Ruth 1:16-17

16 But Ruth said:

“ Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.

17 Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me.”

Theme of the post - Crazy over you.

Why would i use this verse for my post? Cuz this is something inspired by my friend, saying that he loves his stead a lot, and is related to this quote.

I would like to break into parts for this verse. mainly

friends

family

lovers

brothers and sisters

special someone

and a few more than u can think of.

I would apply this to family, bro n sis, lovers and special someone.

We must bear in mind for those with a complete family and also those who are broken yet with a near complete family. u guys must treasure your family members well. Yes they will nag at us most of the time, but that is how they show us their love to us u see. For example, why mothers nags and cares more for their child than most fathers did for them? reason very simple. Because they know how u feel more than the fathers did.

We were once in their womb for around 10mths, these 10 mths, they suffered in pain and blood just to carry us and gave us the life to this world. There is a song saying, no matter what they say, words dun bring us down, we are who we are and that is how we look. We can further enhance the packing w/ content improved in too. But it is not an easy task i tell u. Enough of it, shall go to the next one.

bro and sis

Be in religious bro/sis, blood bonded bro/sis, named god bro/sis, they are still your closest ones. Sometimes when u had done something wrong, you would not dare to approach your parents first especially u can predict that they will scold u or give you some beatings.

Sometimes can be very close bonding between them that what had actually happened to anyone of them, they will step out to help them, no matter how poor, difficult, harsh or even how easy that can be. They will step out o help you cuz they simple love you. So when one separates from the other, there will always be sadness, grievance and also anger. Saying so much why did u leave me, do u know how important you are in my life and so on? These kinda images, not only can be found on tv screens but also real life events.

Lastly will be lovers and special someone.

Basically these two does not differ much, cuz they are simply under the same category, difference is that, one is of true feelings with commitments yet another is of feelings but not committed to it.

Lovers basically depends on each other, for their love care and concern, for "fun" and laughter of both kinds, joy and also the times where they can do things out in the public with their friends and family.

Special someone is like someone who is close yet dun dare to commit yet they love each other. Sounds contradicting rite? Actually, was not that bad. Still get to see the person u like but unable to commit to each other nia.

Back to my theme, crazy over you....

Yes everytime i look into your eyes, there is always a feeling that i can bear to depart with u, hoping that i can hug u tightly and say i love u. Sounds sweet right, but i doubt it will happen. cuz that person is attached le. So what can i do? Treat that person under one of the categories as mentioned above? yes i am doing it over the years. But it does gives mi happiness and sadness lo.

Okay lar, continue another day cuz i nid to sleep and work tmr...

To be continued? We shall see...

L; Thursday, October 30, 2008 ♥

L; Sunday, October 26, 2008 ♥

The theme of the day, INSPIRATION.

Went to watch the high school musical 3 with L juz now. There are still broken pieces here and there but nevertheless i still have to improve and stand up on my feet to face the fact.

Enough of grandmother stories. IF i still go on with grandmother stories, my ratings will drop tremendously.

Inspiration, what it means to u guys out there? To me it means someone u know or some groups of people or even an object that gives u the motivations or meaning to move on. So it is like an element to your pillar of life. In order to make it more fruitful. Inspirations can serve as smaller bits to your life deco. w/o these deco, it still moves on, but not as nice as others.

For me, i am more of a person who is being inspired rather than inspiring others. So where do i get inspirations from? characters that existed about 2000yrs ago like, buddha, jesus, though they are two different characters but still holding one heart, that is to save beings who are sufferings or to love them of who they are. In this way, as far as i can go, will try to treat all of them according to their needs, their looks, genders, orientation and so on. That is the thing i will be starting off in. YES, i may be stupid but that is the way.

People i know that inspired me. For example my parents. They are old but they actually went thru a lot in loving each other. Sometimes i ask myself, how come people out there can love each other so much, so skillful in love yet mi? So noob in it. Wonder why, but nevertheless i am still inspired by them.

There are lots and lots of inspiration in life, never ending journey. So the qn shall now end with who and what inspired you most? An object or someone, your pet or your family members. Ask ourselves such qn.

I shall end with this song, not trying to be christian, juz that this song is real

No matter how hard the words in this world, there is still someone out there looking up to u and say, u can make it if u have tried.

L; Wednesday, October 22, 2008 ♥

Some suggested that i write in themes of what i am thinking about.
So i might as well give it a try but i dunno what to start with.

Running in circles is like running a thing on a belted link. Everytime u run, it goes in circles or depends on the shape. After sometime of running, u still go back to the same point. i also feels that it is rather bored in a sense to others but to me, i juz feel so depressive about it.

So perhaps circles can form a motion or force down with a depression on the surface. As in something like a drilling effect. It is like, very painful. But nvm. The counsellor says, why not you let go, draw line with it. STOP the effect.

Currently i am suppose to work but why am i blogging off and on? becuz i am in office, clearing some stuffs. Figuring which can stay which cannot stay. Den have to research this and that. feels lilke a store keeper but is a good cultivation plus learning process. More themes to come, stay tuned. though not organised.

L; Saturday, October 18, 2008 ♥

Feeling tired out of sudden recently, am i stressing myself out again or am i fantasizing once again. Perhaps too much of imaginary things is giving mi place without much breathing to go with.

Time to put a stop to that le. Cuz veri tired, nid a time to rest.

Okay, enuff of old grandmother story. Perhaps share some news with u guys,

I had juz finished my product training in fuji xerox where my machine is solely on nuvera. It is a printer system used in fuji xerox currently. i wun list any other things on here, due to competitors issues. I will be out for OJT on this coming monday and will receive my vehicle soon too.

meaning that i can enjoy the luxury of travelling on my own without squeezing around in the public transport.

people in my grp keep on boasting this thing. saying that i will become the right hand man of my specialist in future. giving mi stress man, but nvm.... it is a challenge. challenge to my veri best.

So i think i shall end here. No old grandmother story for the moment till after my coming birthday on 28th october. cuz i wish to keep it to myself and reflect on certain issues before i broadcast it here. If not it will be like watching a soap opera, nothing nice to see de. den there goes the TV. *switch off and go do other things*

quote of the there:

everyone is beautiful in nature, dun be brought down by other people out there who are more attractive than u. But u got your own natural beauty, bring that out as well as do some patching for your outside. it will make u look more better.

L; Wednesday, October 01, 2008 ♥

Today went out with winson, a new friend of mine and as well as him. Initially i am meeting him, later winson sms-ed mi so i asked him whether to let winson to come along, so L said okay. So we meet at ps den later we went around from PS to heeren. Den to cineleisure for dinner. It was quite and enjoyable day juz to go out with the two of them. Even though it is not something fanciful. to L, u are always the brother that i love. maybe i am borned to be the only child with no brothers to take care of. i took u into my care cuz i feel so close to u. It juz feels so like a family member to mi.

I might sound so drama but actually that is what i meant over this period. that is how i treat him all along, but i wonder why i am doing childish things but... i juz hope to stay in this state for now and forever. in this relationship, that's it. i will not change it till i made improvements to my life.

L; Tuesday, September 30, 2008 ♥

i still love u, no matter how bad you treat mi. U told mi that i will naturally present my attractive side if i change with WHAT I REALLY WANT NOW. I always have this thinking, a wish i always wanna fulfill. and that is in this life, no matter how many of them come in and out of my life, u will still be the one and only, first and last man to survive in my world before i actually move out of that planet.

I know i may be naive to say that, but hopefully this perseverance in me can help me think.

Recently i found my new hobby and that is to go slightly in to car racing. Hopefully this can take up to 20% of my time and create a certain awareness or interests in it. so that i can forget certain things in mi. faith wise had given a plus pt cuz certain teachings co-relates each other, so no issue for mi to go fight against that.


To think about my strengths and weaknesses has always in the way.



30 september 2008, 1122hrs weather is relatively fair.



Was thinking over what had happened last night.
Yes, the scoldings all is right, neither will i admit defeat nor will admit victory cuz i din win anything that i can be proud of.

The thing(s) i wanted in the past has lots of road blocks till i am scared it made mi so inferior to move on. YES, i dun know what i want. I may lose a lot of friends or can cause me to be so anti-social in near future.

That biggest qn in mind is how to bring out the natural attractiveness in me out to people i face everyday. All the factors that i can think of are, manners, actions, words, voice, body language and lastly eye contact. I have to curb the biggest problems now, manners and words. These are the most problematic ones. How shld i go about, i wun say in details. But i am juz sharing parts of it.

L; Monday, September 29, 2008 ♥

What's the point in crying?
When all you get is tears
What's the use of trying?
When all that's left are fears

Where's the hope in wishing?
When your cries they do not hear
Where's the joy in drinking?
When all you have is beer

What's the goal in loving?
When all love brings is hate

Where's the thrill of living?
When everything's up to fate

What's the point of hanging on?
When she hears, but does not speak
There's nothing left, her heart is gone
The future looks so bleak

What's the use of playing?
When all you do is lose
This is all I'm saying
I hope you get the clues


081203


Credits go to Eugene Teo, PLAD camp mate

I got this from his facebook and somehow it hits my mind once again, anyway, watched F1 just now... got some edited video and will try to upload by tmr. did went to motorshow with keong and also when we are abt to leave, we heard the sounds of the engine, so we stayed and watched the show slightly.

The sounds of the cars are deafening but it somehow blast away my bad emotions for a while. which is good.

L; Saturday, September 27, 2008 ♥

Superly boring on a saturday's afternoon. sometimes is good to make extra plans just in case one cannot work after another. now still thinking what can make mi feels more energetic lo. More like a life that suits my category now.

Conclusion for now. Without that person in my life that makes mi feels more powerful, i still have to move on. I have to be strong to take up more challenges in life, if not i will like a tortoise that stays far behind, but if i am like the rabbit, run so far, yet nv carry on going will soon lose behind a tortoise who constantly moving on in life.

moral of the story for tortoise and rabbit. contantly move on and nv give up. once u slacken down, u will lose behind the slowest guy who is juz about 1 to 2km behind or 100 to 200m ahead of u.

so end of story? nope, juz the starting. hopefully got a better one in the next entry.

L; Wednesday, September 24, 2008 ♥

this is a song that i would listen and then later regret myself for not treasuring something. i am sure that some people will ask the same qn when they had lost someone important to them. I am still thinking of somethings in life. In life, nothing is ever perfect.



I hope that this shadow will remain as a shadow for now. i dun wanna bring him into the picture, he makes mi feels more painful. The way he treats mi feels so painful lo... i may say that i had enough but i still wants him more as what? This one i am still asking and getting the hell out of it...

L; Sunday, September 14, 2008 ♥

Yes, another week had juz passed quietly. In juz one day, i had spent over 500 dollars yesterday. But all on bills and of cuz money to my parents. Makan and entertainment juz for common saturday afternoon till night.

Been emoing again but it is unavoidable when my sense of jealous, sense of envy, sense of loneliness comes in action. It is like greed hatred and delusions which comes in a group and attacks when u are least aware of their presence.

Certain things i still unable to let go or forget. No matter what i will try my best to forget, prayers, blessings and chantings will still carry on as per normal for mi and hoping that each day would have pleasant surprises for my relationships.. i am looking forward for the pleasant ones. I have no choice but to leave the old sets of thoughts and further enhance them. No pt staying here where people are moving towards 3.5 where i am still at 2? Hoping that certain things i want will happen.

L; Friday, September 05, 2008 ♥

So far work had narrowed down my crave for certain things, i juz hope that i can learn more things so that i got all my time and equip myself with these skills as well as communications purposes. In front of certain friends, i feel so normal but in front of another group of friends i seems to disgracing myself and indeed i had been disgracing a lot of myself in front of certain groups of friends. But when come to meeting up with a new friend of mine last friday, i feels so perfectly normal to them.

L; Sunday, August 31, 2008 ♥

What i had done is already done, there is no way i can clear my sins, according to the law of karma, even if i go churches, i will only feel the power of love spiritually but not in reality. YES i always disgust people but why people dun understand why am i doing it? I should not be too dependent over people. No pt depending on people where they dun want me to depend on them. No pt going after someone who had changed.

No point being too self centered thinking that i am always right where others had changed for the better.

What has done already done. Think now is just to let the things stable down first and i try to see to new things to make it turnover bah. Hope new and better things can offset the wrong ones. I really feel stupid to behave this way. No nid to give me the sympathy cuz i dun deserve it. Since the day the first deck of cards were drawn, things had changed. No pt going back to change the facts in the past. I should have moved on.

Juz hope to be dead for now. I dun wanna live anymore le...

For once and last for all... End of episode of sadness and crazy over somebody le. This time is for sure than i am gonna end it all. For work, play, love, friends, family. No more being a kid le. It is really time to go back to reality.

 

A kid at heart but not a kid in reality, So does this sounds more logical?

Care for yourself then followed by others. People always care for others till they forgotten about themselves. Sorry, they are excuses but are partial reasons.

Next will be outgoing to friends who are interested to know u instead of being too desperate about knowing them. U are not in sales line, what for knowing so many people where there is not a need to. Sociable is good but it will be bad if over the cut-off point.

 

No more going according to individual contexts cuz it can realli pissed people off. Set to the highest perfection where 9 out of 10 new people u know recently accepts u.

 

Work towards your target, not for anyone else except for your loved ones. parents or friends, brothers.

 

Dun go too deep into love where there isn't any love around at all. no pt going into it where the materials to light this fire of love is not around.

 

No more the noisy or bitchy Colin, being quiet is good, cuz less mistakes will be committed. Take initiative to change for the better as an example for others to follow. Show them that i am changing. for the coming 3 mths, my target is to be mindful of my actions and words. hope this can be a good start. start from small and work my way up.

 

This die die must help me for work, If not i will lose my rice bowl for sure.

 

Thanks for this scolding session by someone i feels that is impt and is all "bullshit".

Cuz is all the shit if a bull, found by people, scolded the bull and the bull have to clear of its own bullshit. Sounds pity but is the fact man. Face it lar Colin, know how to say people, no one say mi. now got people say me le, still act. Think can forget abt acting and get back to reality lar.

L; Friday, August 22, 2008 ♥

I had started work since monday, 18 august 2008. Currently i am on an all rounder training for my passion and interest. Though this job starting pay isn't that high, at least is something i am quite interested in as well as for the passion for customer service.

 

I am currently having my training at pandan crest. another office for fuji xerox in that area. So my trainer is very friendly and easy going but has a limit to everything, therefore should not go overboard. So hoping that tests and training can go smoothly and looking forward towards my field effective date.

 

With a job now and early some money which i can save up to around 5 to 7k a yr, think should not be a problem unless i spend a lot for the next few mths lo.

 

As for love now, i also dunno how to put it in words. Cuz i had enough of all those imaginations le. Every time i think of him, i will ask myself this qn. Why am i still thinking of loving him as a stead when he is not ready or not going for such at the moment. Really hurts a lot when comes to thinking of this. But if i look at the other picture, i will be mentally/spiritually lonely or even feeling left out of crowds also. I really want to find a way out.

 

Going back to fo guang will be the best but it will not cure everything. But i hope to have a life plans with real life targets. i cannot forever always depending on others. i dun wanna be so lonely.

 

Who ever cares abt my feelings or loneliness in this life? Work can cover everything for now, but after work? Who is there to accompany me?

L; Thursday, August 14, 2008 ♥

Yes i finally got a job for now, is to work with fuji xerox as a customer service engineer. So for now, i think it can feed my taste for 2 or more things.

• Passion for customer service
• engineering, aside from wireless comms but digital systems knowledge.
• the working hours is quite flexible. I might get the chance to go for a 10mth part-time diploma at APMI.

 

Now watching HK series call, on the 1st beat. This was filmed in 2007 but recently was broadcast on cable TV ch 55. I was too enthu abt this now and cantonese version would be better so i watched it online. Hope that this does not affect its ratings or copyrights law.

 

This series has quite some meaning in it. Is similar to our NS40 theme, honor and passion. The drama consist of the elements. Leadership/coordination, love/passion/care and concern, family ties and all personal grudges.

 

For now i am having a personal war in me. A war between love/hate, passion/ care and concern, time/effort, communications.

 

A broken heart can be healed but cracks need time for people to forget. Sometimes i have to sit down and think logically, there things that goes my way or against my way. Research is going on the way now and i am building up a career i had always thought of in the past. From drama series as well as personal interests. Now i am trying out as an engineer or technician in this company hope it fulfill my crave as well as passion for it.

Passion for love, this thing dun come so easily as well. BUT once it arrived at your doorsteps, please accept with honour and pride. IT is something that u dun see often but it will cause a lifetime regret if u dun treasure it or use it correctly. So i shall try to love myself first for now, cuz it has been a long time since i last loved myself le. I shall find my way back into love first den decide what to do.

 

Passion for love, care and concern as well as for work.

Work for the very best is for myself only but for others that cared for me.

Put others people at first but put ourselves in front of ourselves before others. Cuz u worth more impt than others.

Communications among all must sufficient and clear but knows where the limit and ends for that. What had been said is hard to recover, but if each individuals understand the meaning, No grudges will be obvious between them. Time to think back on certain things. That's all for now. Move on and stay alert.

 

Army quote: Be vigilant as well as be tactical too.

L; Tuesday, August 12, 2008 ♥

Shine my way home.

 

Why i use this as a heading? cuz it means that buddha's life is shinning my way back to where i suppose to be.

Me and him is over for now, but i dun lose him in anyway, i should be happy for that. Now i am still waiting for employment calls.

Hopefully it comes asap, if not i will bored to death liaoz.

 

Okay, for now i want to try out something again. The test for ownership. Things that belongs to me, i will try to let it go find its way out of my sight, if is mine, will come back to mi. I will try that out once more. If is mine, will be mine. If not forget about it le. I feels veri tired of waiting for non-consistent returns le. No point. People love others and get loved by others in return, but me, ended up in suffering. I dun wanna try again on the same person. Perhaps they dun wish to be loved this way. Den i shall use the old way instead.

 

Tmr i going to hitachi for interview le. wish mi luck.

L; Sunday, August 10, 2008 ♥

The date and time now is 10/08/2008 1207 hrs. How should i go about for my blog since it was national day yesterday?

Was actually thinking of going to meet L first, but ended up he was back in camp gym-ing away. So ended up alone again yesterday.

So asked De to see if he is free to go out, he say he will be free after his lessons. So okay lo. meet hi at city hall after that. Den city hall was so packed, i am wondering why people choose the place to see the fireworks where the location wasn't the best. haha. Den some lady asked mi where i want to go. But was wondering in my heart, where can i go from there? I know where i am going wat. need u to ask? but nvm, eventually i walked away.

Den saw part of the fireworks for NDP, ever since i watched one fireworks don't know how many donkey yrs back, think was 10 to 12yrs back, where one of the fireworks was the head of a little boy.

Den after that fireworks, i find my way over to the supreme court via penisular plaza area, got thru by the back. Den after that we went for a cup of tea. And my day juz ended like that.

and now still waiting for 'someone' to call mi out lo.

L; Wednesday, August 06, 2008 ♥

This morning, when dawn was hit by sunlight and i was sleeping soundly in my dreams. There is this dream that hit me with something enriching yet enlightening. I was actually as usual, wandering around in dreams. Most of my dreams are just a recollections of what i had done. These feel days, think u guys had read mine, should finds that it is a life that is rather messy in a way that i am lost in la la land because of somebody. A person who is impt in my life since 2004, no further details of this, cuz u guys is reading like mad over this thing liao. Time to put up something new.

 

A dream of mine as mentioned, okay here is how it goes.

 

I am admitted to hospital and was lying on the bed in a hospital, probably SGH, cuz my case files are in that hospital. So i was lying on the bed, with needles and painkillers was being fed thru the needles on my hands. I was in pain, terrible pain, was like nid doctor or nurses to help mi ease the pain. This dream last for approximately 2 hours. Feels like i am in an operation theatre. BUT after waking up from this dream, i feels refreshing. Was is linked to something i had done recently?

 

One news that Fuji Xerox is inviting me to a 2nd interview on this coming friday at 2.30pm. Hopefully can be successful.

 

For my dream, i would like to know in real life, who is the doctor that help cure me de.

Can be juz one or can be a group of healthcare personnel. Hope know who are these grp of ppl in real life.

L; Tuesday, August 05, 2008 ♥

Yesterday went to Paris International buffet with my korkor Bryan Chow. At first i should be going for 3 interviews, ended up i shrunk it to juz 1 for yesterday and 1 for today. Cuz i am just simply lazy to move around as i had been going for interview since 2 weeks before i ORD, like from 1st july till now, i have been going to almost 10 interviews le, all say still waiting for calls. So be it bah.

Was still emoing last night, thinking of him a lot still. Was telling korkor that, den he say, if u misses him, call him lar or sms him. Den i called, he nv pick up. So i guess, he is as usual bz and tired. So i sent him a sms while on the way back. When i reached home, i found that he is online, asked him if he is bz, he say yar. Den he din further replied to my msn msgs. When i was having my shower, my heart is filled with warmth and a slight streak of happiness.

"You will not be alone, juz that i am bz and tired." he said that. I felt so happy but will not put in too much of expectation, cuz it dun go anywhere. But at least it released mi from the sheer sense of paranoids over him.

I will still love the way he is no matter wat. Will juz give no matter wat, but in return, i dun ask for more. Asking for return is not like me, think now just focus on securing a job before securing his heart for some reasons.

When a guy protects a gal, the reason for him to give the gal is the sense of security. This is impt. One of the elements in this will be jobs, where returns is my salary. Hopefully this can catch his attn somehow.

As for job hunting, it is time to make a change, since i cannot go for sales engineer, why not go for sales support engineer. Since i love sales, yet not the front line but backend also good what.

L; Saturday, August 02, 2008 ♥

IN life for now, certain things changes, from title to title. WHich is more like, when u tried out and back off when things dun get right. WE dun feel much in loss but we will do feel the pain around. Becuz the title had changed back to something we are familiar with. He is unable to commit in anyways and unsuitable. In any case, we are really hanging in mid air. But we revert back to the past feelings, now i dun lose him in anyways but nvm lar, he got his reasons. Neh, wun force him when he wish to be freed. Maybe like what people used to say, "Colin, u are not suitable to be lovers, but u can be a friend to all." Since mi and him are not, den we kinda like the way it used to be, in any ways, i dun get to lose him wat.

I dun regret, cuz i tried. And that is something i always wanted to try. At least i tried, i know how it feels but is an unforgetable moment between me and him. Used to be in dreams, now in real life, though is not as what i expected at least tried. Did he?

L; Thursday, July 31, 2008 ♥

Now got about 3 things running in my mind. Tomorrow's interview with Horiba Instruments, thats 1. Thinking of L, that's 2. Thinking of how to communicate with my family, that's 3. I am in a very difficult position to make them all run 3 parallel paths.

Why must my family come into the picture of not understanding why am i doing for the sake of my work? Why can't they juz work in accordance to my dreams? Which can be done in reality. Why am i forcing myself to go along with the trend where i dun even have the urge to go according to the trend?

My mother asked me to go study, but does she knows that the time and money spend on study is so expensive? That i might as well go and gain experience, at the same time earn money, den 1 to 2yrs time, i can go study at my own ease.

I got this stupid mindset of mine, but maybe will discuss with him first den i will choose to publish here or not. It is still a matter of our privacy, think the more it goes around, the more the stories will create from there. Think for once, i shall create a life, a new one which can bring laughter to everyone.

The current one shall vanish slowly from everybody's impression of me from the past. Becuz of someone, for myself as well as others. Yes he is correct. For once can i be normal of what i am doing ma? Dun always say that i scared of this this that that. Juz open myself up. Remember Colin, I am not walking alone. No one will bear to see me in this depressed state. Nobody likes me to be depressed.

When people are depressed, looking down or lost of where they are standing, i will always try my best to make them stand up, advise them or what. BUt when i am depressed, people will try to make mi think, but i juz dun realli make use of my mind lo. I find myself so useless or stubborn. Perhaps stubborn in a sense that, what people say to me, i would not take advice but think i beginning to change from the hunting process. As in from there i try not to be so aggressive or frank with what they are employing or offering. Hopefully i will improvise myself till no one remember how come is like in the past.

I will start to take advice for a start that can be accomplised from my level of doing. So keep your tags coming into my box as i will see it at least once a day one hor...

L; About me and L♥

;Voiced by: Kappei Yamaguchi. L is the world's top-rated detective, tasked with tracking down and arresting Kira. His disheveled appearance masks his great powers of deduction and insight. L has many quirks, such as sitting in an odd manner and snacking on sweets in the middle of meetings.

hate me;

Colin Loh, a guy borned onto this land called Singapore on 28 October 1985.
Can visit *HERE*
ORD LIAO LO....CLICK HERE :C

i DIGS & i HEARTS ♥L;

♥For me to know for you to find out.
♥My wanted mate/partner to find out.
♥see who can help clear the mess with mi FOREVER...
♥Buddha of all directions together with all bodhisattva.

IN DEMAND. L;♥loner's LOVES.

♥i like to do what a normal guy out there like to do..
♥i love the feeling with guys and gals, does it makes mi a gay a bi or str8?? ♥i like eeu u you and U... ♥everything....

write here; on the notebook L; ♥

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from the DEATHNOTE♥

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* Edmund aka Edamuse*
* Max Zechariah Leong*
* Harry Lim W J*
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* Jeffrey Lim Kok Keong*

DEATHS; never un'L' me.

{L; 07/2004 - 08/2004 ♥}
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